1. Duke vs. 16. Southern
Our Blue Devil scores early and often on LaCumba the Jaguar.
It’s a rout.
8. GWU vs. 9. UNC-Wilm.
Sure, Seahawks can fly, but the Colonial is packing a much deadlier shot.
1. Duke vs. 8. GWU
Momentarily blinded by the powder of the Colonial’s wig, Blue Devil adjusts the mask and comes from behind.
5. Syracuse vs. 12. Texas A&M
Imagine Otto boxing out. Finally, having a big, round butt pays off. Sorry, Reveille.
4. LSU vs. 13. Iona
Nothing scary ’bout a tiger named Mike. GAEL FORCE!
5. Syracuse vs. 13. Iona
Very, very physical game. Gael spends the game backing in for jumpers as Otto just bounces helplessly around the gym.
1. Duke vs. 13. Iona
A Gael is a fellow from Ireland or Scotland. Those fellows can wear kilts. The Gael uses his kilt as a distraction. Be happy the Gael never played Kent State.
6. W. Virginia vs. 11. S. Illinois
Each is fur-bearing, which can lead to overheating. But Salukis get hot, stay hot.
3. Iowa vs. 14. N’Western St.
Another human form vs. bird matchup, but Herky’s D dumps Vic the Demon.
11. S. Illinois vs. 3. Iowa
The Salukis promise to wipe that grin off Herky’s face. That was the dog’s first of many mistakes.
7. California vs. 10. N.C. St.
Look at Cal’s Oski. Look at NC St.’s Mr. Wuf. Can you spot the softy? Wuf wins.
2. Texas vs. 15. Pennsylvania
The Quaker is tenacious, no doubt. But no way he gets past
Hook ‘Em’s horns.
10. N.C. St. vs. 2. Texas
Hook ‘Em spends the whole game trying to tickle Mr. Wuf. And you know what? It works.
3. Iowa vs. 2. Texas
Herky spent his childhood summers at basketball camp. Of course, Bevo went to football camp. Let that be a lesson to you kids.
1. UConn vs. 16. Albany
Jonathan has savvy, but Damien has an unstoppable “Albany skyhook.”
8. Kentucky vs. 9. UAB
Wildcats are real; dragons are not. But Harry breathes fire and torches the cat.
16. Albany vs. 9. UAB
Harry had no idea Damien’s a Great Dane–he was thinking dachshund. And thus the game is lost before it even begins.
5. Washington vs. 12. Utah St
Did you know Utah St.’s Big Blue played semi-pro ball in Europe? Huge gym rat.
4. Illinois vs. 13. Air Force
NCAA’s rules again. And look at Joe Falcon. He’s stunned by the forfeit win.
12. Utah St. vs. 13. Air Force
It was bound to happen: Big Blue stays out way too late and never shows up. Again, the Falcon is stunned.
16. Albany vs. 13. Air Force
Damien arrives dressed as Cinderella, but the gown gets in the way all game while the Falcon, shooting underhand the entire game, wins.
6. Michigan St. vs. 11. GMU
Sparty’s got mad Big Ten skills, but
GUNSTON JUST WILL NOT BE DENIED!
3. N. Carolina vs. 14. Murray St.
If you thought a horse named Dunker would lose that easy, you thought wrong.
11. GMU vs. 14. Murray St.
An excited Gunston is climbing the walls, and while he does that, Dunker takes two minutes to win 21-0.
7. Wichita St. vs. 10. Seton Hall
In OT, WuShock goaltends, the Pirate whines, ref calls a T, and WuShock wins.
2. Tennessee vs. 15. Winthrop
If you thought an eagle named Big Stuff was going to lose easy, well, again, stop that.
7. WSU vs. 15. Winthrop
Big Stuff is asked if he plays for all the small-school mascots.
He nods “Yes.”
WuShock never had a chance.
14. Murray St. vs. 15. Winthrop
Was it fate that Dunker and Big Stuff met in the Sweet 16?
Perhaps. Every shot is indeed a dunk. Safe to say, Dunker goes nuts.
13. Air Force vs. 14. Murray St.
Joe Falcon gives up size, experience, court-savvy, ball-handling, shooting touch, you name it. It’s Connie Hawkins vs. Paul Simon as Dunker holds the edge in every category across the board.
But Joe Falcon has heart.
How sweet.
Dunker wins 21-3.
14. MURRAY ST. VS. 13. IONA
It’s an awkward and rather uncomfortable game for the most part as Dunker takes the ball to the rim with great ease while the Gael keeps climbing onto the horse’s back while slapping him in the rear with a riding crop. It gets ugly when the Gael tries to re-shoe Dunker, and the Gael is swiftly dismissed.
– – –
THE TITLE GAME
NO. 14 MURRAY ST. VS. NO. 10 ALABAMA
What does this matchup show us? That size counts. Schools around the nation are already trying to make their mascots bigger. Meanwhile on the court, Dunker and Big Al put on a display never before seen by basketball fans. Sure, Dunker can dunk, but Big Al has too much junk in the trunk, namely a can of silly string that he sprays on Dunker during every shot.
The Alabama mascot wins 21-17, proving that elephants really can fly.
1. Memphis vs. 16. ORU
Pouncer takes his No. 1 seed too lightly, and Eli pulls off the rarely seen No. 16 stunner.
8. Arkansas vs. 9. Bucknell
Best matchup so far. Big Red’s big, but Bison’s crossover move breaks Big’s ankles.
16. ORU vs. 9. Bucknell
Nobody thought these guys would be here. But they both did. On this night, Bison believes just a little bit more.
5. Pittsburgh vs. 12. Kent St.
Flash! AHHHHH!
He’s the savior of the universe. Panther makes an early exit.
4. Kansas vs. 13 Bradley
Under NCAA rules, the Brave is out. Jayhawk signs autographs in the lobby.
12. Kent St. vs. 4. Kansas
Jayhawk plays the game of his life while Flash keeps stopping to take Polaroids with spectators. Focus, Flash, focus.
9. Bucknell vs. 4. Kansas
Kansas fans have been waiting for this day since last year, but the look of fear in the Jayhawk’s face is indescribable. Who knew mascots could sweat?
6. Indiana vs. 11. SDSU
Indiana has no mascot, so the Aztec spends his time practicing free throws. Smart.
3. Gonzaga vs. 14. Xavier
Spike’s low-post play confuses the Musketeer, who is furious he can’t use his sword.
11. SDSU vs. 3. Gonzaga
Spike asks the Aztec if he wants to see some naked picture of the Aztec’s girlfriend. The Aztec never recovers.
7. Marquette vs. 10. Alabama
The Eagle can’t find his shot. Why? Uh, maybe since Big Al can block out the sun.
2. UCLA vs. 15. Belmont
Rarely seen Bruin vs. Bruin action. And Bruins don’t shake hands; Bruins mug!
10. Alabama vs. 2. UCLA John Wooden gives Joe Bruin some tips, but it’s 2006, a.k.a. the Year of the Elephant.
10. Alabama vs. 3. Gonzaga
We’ll spare you the details. In short, Big Al stepped on Spike. He’ll be OK but … Big Al advances.
9. Bucknell vs. 10. Alabama
Remember how Charles Barkley used to use his butt to back in on defenders? Bang, bang, bang. That’s what this game is all about, except the Bison has a cute little wet nose, and Big Al has a trunk. Say no more, say no more.
1. Villanova vs. 16. Monmouth
Wil D. Cat has the will of a champ.And face it, the Hawk was just happy to be here.
8. Arizona vs. 9. Wisconsin
Wilbur opens strong but loses his hat as Bucky reels off 10 straight points.
1. Villanova vs. 9. Wis.
A furious pace to this game, mainly because Wil slipped some Icy Hot into Bucky’s jockstrap. No harm, no foul.
5. Nevada vs. 12. Montana
One Wolf is naked without his pack but also because Monte fakes him out of his pants.
4. Boston Col. vs. 13. Pacific
B.C. Eagle talks trash but lucky for Tommy the Tiger he doesn’t understand Eagle.
12. Montana vs. 13. Pacific
Tommy can’t play when his sneakers don’t arrive via FedEx. Monte, of course, signed for them, then hid them.
1. Villanova vs. 12. Montana
Tied 10-10, Monte calls a timeout and secretly ties Wil’s shoelaces together. Wil sees it coming and smears honey on Monte before releasing a jar full of bees.
6. Oklahoma vs. 11. UW-Milwaukee
How did Victor E. get his name? By thumping the likes of Boomer.
3. Florida vs. 14. S. Alabama
Albert smothers South Paw the Jaguar. How? Southie always goes to his left.
11. UW-Milw.vs. 3. Florida
Victor builds a 20-0 lead before Albert ties it 20-20. They decide to flip a coin for a winner. Albert will regret that for the rest of his life.
7. Georgetown vs. 10. N. Iowa
UNI’s T.C. likes the MVC on CBS. A confused Hoya Jack misses every damn shot.
2. Ohio St. vs. 15. Davidson
After petting Mr. Cat for half the game, Brutus rallies and wins on a reverse lay-up.
10. N. Iowa vs. 2. Ohio St.
T.C. spends 10 minutes dribbling around the court before Brutus clocks him with a large mallet.
Simple, and yet, effective.
1. UW-Milw vs. 2. Ohio St.
Having shaken off the early round jitters, Brutus comes to play wearing a pair of spring-loaded sandals. Victor tries to counter on a pair of stilts, but he is no match.
1. VILLANOVA VS. 10. ALABAMA
Wil D. Cat has been waiting for this since 1985 while Big Al’s mind already is on spring football. But from the beginning of the game, Big Al hits Wil on the head with one of those toilet-paper-rolls-on-stick-with-a box-of-Tide thingies. Wil can’t compete with that.
Roll Tide!
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redeyesports@tribune.com
