TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: Do the Bears really need Brian Griese?
Jimmy Greenfield: The Bears need new owners. Everything else is a want.
Phillip Thompson: It doesn’t surprise me at all that Chicago has a craving for Griese.
Leo Ebersole: Sure. No one wants Rex Grossman to be all alone on injured reserve.
Bag Boy: The only hot ex-Michigan QB I need is Tom Brady. Not “need” but … oh, you know what I mean!
Evil Super Computer: Yes. Super Bowl ring, Hall of Fame plaque and–wait, wrong Griese. DAMN THIS DATABASE!
TOPIC 2: What’s next for one-time Lions quarterback Joey Harrington?
Jimmy Greenfield: Go into life insurance sales with Cade McNown.
Phillip Thompson: He finds old Lions coach Wayne Fontes and takes “The New Laurel and Hardy” to off-Broadway.
Leo Ebersole: Matt Millen gets into a bidding war with Illinois to hire him as quarterbacks coach.
Bag Boy: He becomes Farnsworth Bentley to Brian Griese’s Diddy.
Evil Super Computer: Like an ’85 Buick, I sell him for parts. LET THE HARVEST OF HUMANS COMMENCE!
TOPIC 3: Any thoughts on what to get Paul Tagliabue for a retirement gift?
Jimmy Greenfield: A huge lox and bagel sandwich. Maybe I just need to go to lunch.
Phillip Thompson: Drop off Terrell Owens wearing nothing but a strategically placed red bow. Shut the door. Run.
Leo Ebersole: He doesn’t have to deal with T.O. or Dan Snyder anymore. Want a bow on that?
Bag Boy: Zippo. He’s been a curse for the Bears, who haven’t been to the Super Bowl during his reign.
Evil Super Computer: His own expansion team to be run entirely by … MACHINES!
TOPIC 4: Describe the Bulls’ 2005-06 season to date.
Jimmy Greenfield: Dead on arrival.
Phillip Thompson: Thinking of the Oscars, “Brokeback,” “Crash” and “Good Night, and Good Luck” all apply.
Leo Ebersole: It’s been like watching “King Kong.” Kill the beast off, already.
Bag Boy: It’s only a prelude to next year. And the year after that. And the year after …
Evil Super Computer: On par with the 1968-69 season’s 33-49 finish. Good times.
TOPIC 5: How do we stop that annoying Applebee’s commercial?
Jimmy Greenfield: Get TiVo. I’ve still never seen the commercial. Oh, what a relief it is!
Phillip Thompson: We go to Applebee’s headquarters and give them a three-hour beatdown. A three-hour beatdown.
Leo Ebersole: We must destroy Applebee’s and destroy all shrimp. Phil, I’m sorry it had to end like this.
Bag Boy: Break into Jimmy’s and use his TiVo when he’s at work. Also, help yourself to the bourbon.
Evil Super Computer: What’s wrong with that commercial? I love that commercial. It’s hilarious. You’re all insane.
