TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: What one sporting event in history would you want on your video iPod?
Jimmy Greenfield: That glorious day Morganna the Kissing Bandit first ran out in her training bra.
Phillip Thompson: When then-49er Terrell Owens stood on Dallas’ star. Cue that up for the Cowboys’ home opener.
Leo Ebersole: Anything from the 2000 Northwestern football season. Maybe even the spring game.
Mike North: Dick Butkus’ NFL Films Greatest Hits. That’s violence, Mister!
Bag Boy: The Bears’ 2007 Super Bowl win. And yes, you read that right.
TOPIC 2: Why do athletes sign one-day contracts so they can retire with their old team?
Jimmy Greenfield: To remind us all that, beyond the money and the fame, they’re just so damn loyal.
Phillip Thompson: I don’t know, but I’m looking into a similar rule for ex-girlfriends.
Leo Ebersole: Because they can fit it in right before taping an ad for a Nissan dealership.
Mike North: I like it. I’m going to sign a one-day contract for my first adult job at the Chicago Park District.
Bag Boy: Like me, they just want to be loved. Is that so wrong?
TOPIC 3: You making any last-minute Opening Day preparations?
Jimmy Greenfield: Stocking up on bourbon and hookers. I’ve got a case of bourbon and a pint of hookers.
Phillip Thompson: Almost there. My heart is pumping nearly 80 percent ballpark mustard.
Leo Ebersole: I’m shaping a pretzel in Hawk Harrelson’s likeness as we speak.
Mike North: Two words: Jimbo’s and Hi-Tops.
Bag Boy: I’ve covered the bag with red, white and blue bunting.
TOPIC 4: OK, time to revise the brackets: With 16 teams left, who wins it all?
Jimmy Greenfield: Gonzaga over Villanova in the final, after which Adam Morrison’s mustache finally turns pro.
Phillip Thompson: I’m sticking with my bracket: UConn do it! And for that reason alone, I deserve to lose.
Leo Ebersole: I still like Texas, but only if they promote Bevo to backup center.
Mike North: I gots Villanova.
Bag Boy: It’s UConn’s title to lose, which they will do. Texas wins it all.
TOPIC 5: Who would make a great NFL commissioner?
Jimmy Greenfield: Henry Winkler. He’s well-liked, kind to children and knows how to jump over sharks.
Phillip Thompson: Commissioner Gordon. He already has the title, and he’s worked with men in face masks and tight pants.
Leo Ebersole: The Red Power Ranger. He’s got the salary cap knowledge and he’s got a bad-ass laser.
Mike North: Da Coach. ‘Nuff said.
Bag Boy: In a time when legends are scarce, the choice is clear: Walker, Texas Ranger.
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E-mail the crew at redeyesports@tribune.com.
