TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: A pro soccer team is now named the New York Red Bulls. What’s next?
Jimmy Greenfield: I’ll still ignore soccer, but will have a strange urge to drink Red Bull while doing so.
Phillip Thompson: Idon’tknowwhyeverybody’smakingabigdeal! Thestuffisreallyreallyreallyreallyharmless!
Leo Ebersole: The team heads into a bar, orders vodka … and is never heard from again.
Adam Caldarelli: The Orlando Oranginas.
Bag Boy: They lose in the first round to the Washington Wizards.
TOPIC 2: Daunte Culpepper says he rejected offers from lap dancers on that boat. Your thoughts?
Jimmy Greenfield: I believe him. If an athlete who takes boat rides with strippers doesn’t have credibility, who does?
Phillip Thompson: I love his excuse: I couldn’t have touched those strippers, your honor, because I was shooting craps.
Leo Ebersole: Right. And the dollar bills they all had were for the boat’s Pepsi machine.
Adam Caldarelli: I thought those were just the lap dances Jimmy offered.
Bag Boy: Really? Oh. Then I don’t want to hear his testimony. BO-ring.
TOPIC 3: Why is the NFL draft being held at Radio City Music Hall?
Jimmy Greenfield: Scores was booked.
Phillip Thompson: Haven’t you ever heard of the famous wide receiver from there, Rockette Ismail?
Leo Ebersole: So Mel Kiper’s hair can perform in between picks. Watch as Mel’s hair juggles flaming chainsaws!
Adam Caldarelli: It seats more angry Jets fans than the Theatre at Madison Square Garden.
Bag Boy: It boosts the Bears’ chances of drafting a Rockette.
TOPIC 4: Why did the Nationals’ Alfonso Soriano refuse to play in the outfield?
Jimmy Greenfield: It can get really, really lonely out there. Kind of like when you’re on the disqualified list.
Phillip Thompson: The outfield, huh? Clearly he’s homerphobic.
Leo Ebersole: The farther he is from the dugout, the longer it will take him to go up to bat and strike out.
Adam Caldarelli: Because they haven’t had a hit since “Your Love” in 1985.
Bag Boy: I’m not answering that until you move me into Phil’s No. 2 spot in the order here.
TOPIC 5: Are you now–or have you ever been–Pittsnogled?
Jimmy Greenfield: I don’t trust made-up verbs. I used to, but then I got really Ebersoled.
Phillip Thompson: Never, although it’s better to be Pittsnogled than Billy Packered. Right, Jimmy?
Leo Ebersole: If you mean getting a tattoo while drunk on cheap booze, then yes. Yes, I have.
Adam Caldarelli: No, but I believe Daunte Culpepper has.
Bag Boy: Yes, once. But I was young, and I needed the money.
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