TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: Circle one date on the 2006 NFL schedule and explain why.
Phillip Thompson: Oct. 16. Bears vs. Arizona in the Cards’ first Monday nighter since ’99. Always believed in charity.
Leo Ebersole: Week 2: Washington at Dallas. Terrell Owens, meet Sean Taylor.
Whizzer: Oct 5. Four days after Seattle plays the Bears and the Seahawks haven’t stopped scoring.
Maura Wall: Dec. 24. Bears win at Detroit. Because wouldn’t that be a great Christmas present?
EvilSuperComputer: HOW DARE YOU MAKE DEMANDS OF ME? OK, fine. Nov. 2 vs. Miami. Go ‘Fins.
TOPIC 2: What’s one sure sign the Cubs home opener is finally here?
Phillip Thompson: No room for the pigeons at Wrigley because of all the vultures.
Leo Ebersole: The unmistakable scent of people bathing in Old Style.
Whizzer: Phil and Leo are holding hands. Ah, it’s springtime, and love is in the air.
Maura Wall: My bank account is empty due to over-eBaying for tickets. Stop laughing, Phil.
EvilSuperComputer: My North Side sensors indicate cell phone use is up 1,968.7 percent.
TOPIC 3: One hundred years from now, where are the Cubs playing home games?
Phillip Thompson: New Korea Recreational Facility No. 13, North Sector. Oh no, I just said that in English!
Leo Ebersole: All games will be simulated by Xbox by then.
Whizzer: Same as always, about 17 games behind the St. Louis Cardinals.
Maura Wall: At a fully restored pre-Bud Light bleachers Wrigley Field, of course.
EvilSuperComputer: Underground. Is that a threat? Oh no. It is a promise.
DESTRUCTION!
TOPIC 4: Why are Knicks players tuning Larry Brown out?
Phillip Thompson: He bolts from team to team so quickly it takes a while for the sound to get there.
Leo Ebersole: Because the minute a team–any team–puts an offer on the table … HE GONE!
Whizzer: Lalalalalalalalalalalala. I’m sorry, did you say something?
Maura Wall: Their coach wants them to–GASP!–actually WORK for their salaries.
EvilSuperComputer: A human command can’t match a machine’s command. PHIL, SCRATCH MY BACK!
TOPIC 5: Inflatabledefender.com advertises inflatable Ben Wallace blow-up dolls. What’s next?
Phillip Thompson: NBA inflatable dolls. Finally a product Leo can get behind.
Leo Ebersole: Ultimate Fighter Conflict Resolution Services.
Whizzer: An inflatable NBA ref that never, ever calls the inflatable Wallace for a foul.
Maura Wall: If I’m gonna pay $49.99 for an inflatable Ben, I’d rather have a Roethlisberger.
EvilSuperComputer: An army of clones. Not possible, you say? Perhaps. Then again, PERHAPS NOT! NOW MARCH!
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