It’s early and already it appears Jimmy Greenfield’s all-Chicago fantasy baseball team the Bird Brains is routing Leo Ebersole’s Chicken Selects in their head-to-head fight.
Jimmy: Don’t worry, I’m not going to gloat. It’s way too early in the season to get excited over you losing Derrek Lee, and having to pick up Glendon Rusch, and going winless in the first three weeks of Rotisserie Chicken. So don’t worry. No gloating. No, sir.
Leo: Let’s not talk about it. Say, I see those hockey playoffs sure are … heating … up. WHY? WHY DERREK LEE? WHY NOW?
Jimmy: He never liked you much. And I’m not saying that, he told me so. So now to make my obligatory trade offer for the week, which I’m sure once again you will turn down. Todd Walker for Scott Podsednik.
Leo: Done. [Leo temporarily loses consciousness, wakes up.] Did I just agree to a trade with you?
Jimmy: I’m stunned. I’m also willing to let you change your mind. You sure you want to give up your stranglehold on steals for the weakest-hitting starting 1B in baseball?
Leo: Define weak-hitting. I’m relying on Jacque Jones and Tad’ Iguchi to make up for D-Lee’s power stroke. I’ll take all the help I can get, even if it means letting you win steals every now and then.
Jimmy: Very well, it’s done. Now for my next trade offer: An unbroken distal radial bone for your soul and cash considerations.
Leo: Don–waaaaait a minute. Cash considerations? Deal’s off. And now to witness Todd Walker pull a hamstring. Good times.
Jimmy: I’m more scared about Podsednik than you should be about Walker. What are the chances the Cubs lose two first basemen to injury? Come on, nobody’s that unlucky (cue tape: Steve Bartman reaching for foul ball).
Leo: And nobody’s lucky enough to have his pitchers post a sub-1.00 ERA for two straight weeks. See you on the battlefield.
– – –
WEEK 3 RESULTS
The Brains won the week (6-3-1) and lead the season (2-0-1).
KEY: Category winner
ROSTER CHANGES
Bird Brains roster changes: Rob Mackowiak out, Brian Anderson in. The Selects changes: Jerome Williams and John Mabry out, Glendon Rusch and Juan Uribe in.
THE SELECTS’ ROSTER:
Jim Thome
Juan Pierre
Tadahito Iguchi
Todd Walker
Jacque Jones
A.J. Pierzynski
Michael Barrett
Juan Uribe
Mark Buehrle
Freddy Garcia
Jon Garland
Glendon Rusch
Ryan Dempster
THE BRAINS’ ROSTER:
Paul Konerko
Aramis Ramirez
Jermaine Dye
Joe Crede
Scott Podsednik
Matt Murton
Brian Anderson
Ronny Cedeno
Carlos Zambrano
Javier Vazquez
Jose Contreras
Greg Maddux
Bobby Jenks
