TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: What would you do to jumpstart the Cubs’ offense?
Jimmy Greenfield: Call up Felix Pie, send Jacque Jones to wherever Corey Patterson is.
Leo Ebersole: I’d send everyone to the gym. The Sox’s gym. To kidnap Konerko and Thome.
Brian Moore: I know he has little value, but I’d start by trading Kerry Wood for someone, anyone.
Whizzer: Attach White Sox jumper cables to each nipple.
STICK FIGURE: Let Derrek Lee play! Come on, is everybody with me?
TOPIC 2: Why do the White Sox lose to the Royals so often?
Jimmy Greenfield: They usually leave their starters back in Tucson for these “B” games.
Leo Ebersole: Haven’t you heard?
You can write each one off as a charitable donation.
Brian Moore: Few can overcome the Queen’s split-finger fastball and Prince Charles’ timely hitting.
Whizzer: To fool the Cubs into thinking they have a shot in the crosstown classic.
STICK FIGURE: That’s so weird. I was just going to ask you the same question.
TOPIC 3: How can we reduce the Danica Patrick hype over the next three weeks?
Jimmy Greenfield: Let a monkey drive in the Indy 500. The catch? It’s a female monkey.
Leo Ebersole: By making Jessica Alba the newest driver on the Indy car circuit.
Brian Moore: The 500 is the biggest sporting event in the world, and a woman could win. The hype’s justified.
Whizzer: When you hear her name, take a drink. The final 2 1/2 weeks will be a blur.
STICK FIGURE: She makes me feel funny, like when I’m on a roller coaster.
TOPIC 4: Provide one possible piece of biographical information about the Chicago Sky’s mascot, Sky Guy.
Jimmy Greenfield: April 1991 to May 2003: Sold term, whole and variable life insurance.
Leo Ebersole: Purchased outfit at an Ali G yard sale.
Brian Moore: A guy cheerleading for a women’s team? He’s gay.
Whizzer: He used to date Paula Abdul when they were both Laker Girls.
STICK FIGURE: Why do they call a girl a guy? Oh, I’m so confused.
TOPIC 5: How would you taunt Barry Bonds?
Jimmy Greenfield: I wouldn’t taunt him. But I’d poke him with a needle just to see if he’d deflate.
Leo Ebersole: By asking him to sign a copy of “Game of Shadows.”
Brian Moore: Let’s just say I’d only need one finger.
Whizzer: “Hey Bonds, you only hit 492 home runs off the juice! You stink!”
STICK FIGURE: “BONDS, YOU $#%@$!
I HATE YOUR $&%@% GUTS!”
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redeyesports@tribune.com
