TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: An investigation is under way: Is there hazing here at Five on Five?
Jimmy Greenfield: I didn’t think so, but I can’t explain why I just saw Phil eat six goldfish for lunch.
Phillip Thompson: I just want to say that Jimmy spanks Leo regularly. Now what was your question?
Leo Ebersole: Absolutely not. Same-sex kissing? All the time.
Mike North: Isn’t doing this hazing enough?
Bag Boy: Yes. No one’s told me when the bag gets to come off. Any day now, right fellas?
TOPIC 2: Any predictions on Detroit Piston forward Rasheed Wallace’s next prediction?
Jimmy Greenfield: I predict I’d eat six goldfish before I care one wit about anything Rasheed Wallace says.
Phillip Thompson: Rasheed predicts that Matt LeBlanc will be president. The rest of the country will be dead.
Leo Ebersole: If he’s looking for one to come true, he predicts he’ll draw three more technicals this postseason.
Mike North: He’s right on about this next prediction. He will predict that he is a tool.
Bag Boy: He likes “RV” to win best picture. Forget it, fool.
“Poseidon” is a lock.
TOPIC 3: OK, who defaced the “Trade Brett” billboard in Green Bay?
Jimmy Greenfield: Brett Thompson of Muskegon Bay.
Phillip Thompson: The original artist. That wasn’t an “X,” that’s how they sign their names in Wisconsin.
Leo Ebersole: No one painted it. Rather, the billboard started oozing blood after a lunch of cheese curds.
Mike North: Probably Brett because he hasn’t had enough attention already.
Bag Boy: My lawyer has advised me to not answer this question. That said, it was Jimmy.
TOPIC 4: How would the world be different if Mark Cuban’s team wins the NBA title?
Jimmy Greenfield: If that happens, then George Bailey will never be born.
Phillip Thompson: He’d rule the world. First change: Pat O’Brien and Dick Vitale will make all relaxation tapes.
Leo Ebersole: We’d be awash in Mark Cuban’s tears, and, oddly enough, chalupas.
Mike North: He would probably be more outgoing.
Bag Boy: Children across the globe could then aspire to be fined thousands of dollars each week.
TOPIC 5: Aaron Rowand ran into a wall. What would you run into for your Five on Five teammates?
Jimmy Greenfield: A White Hen for milk, maybe some Pop-Tarts.
Phillip Thompson: I’d run for president of Five on Five. After elected, I’d declare them all illegal immigrants.
Leo Ebersole: Heather Locklear.
Mike North: I’d run into a police station, because I’m sick of Bag Boy stalking me.
Bag Boy: I’d run into Mike North … when he least expects it. Maybe in his basement or a parking garage.
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E-mail the Five on Five crew at redeyesports@tribune.com.
