TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: Do you imagine any U.S. Winter Olympians pulled any high jinks on the White House visit?
Jimmy Greenfield: The Flying Tomato tried to get Bob Costas to hook him up with Jenna Bush.
Phillip Thompson: They told Bush that his daughter Jenna eloped with (cringe) Bode Miller.
Leo Ebersole: Three people were shot when a pigeon flew by. Do you blame the biathletes or Dick Cheney?
Whizzer: The Rose Garden is now known as “The Some-Snowboarder-Took-a-Dump-Here Garden.”
Bag Boy: Apolo Ohno wouldn’t stop circling the Oval Office.
TOPIC 2: Invent a word to describe a fan who would throw a ball at a player.
Jimmy Greenfield: “Pedroesque.”
Phillip Thompson: “Drub” means to beat soundly, and it’s short for “drunken Cub.” Works at Wrigley.
Leo Ebersole: “Moron-u-mental.” Quick, somebody call Merriam-Webster.
Whizzer: “Uber-Wannabe.”
Bag Boy: “Supercalifragilistic– expealidoschmuck.”
TOPIC 3: How can Illinois make Chief Illiniwek less ‘hostile and abusive,’ per NCAA rules?
Jimmy Greenfield: Stop letting him stalk and kill one fan per game.
Phillip Thompson: Spell the name backward. Who would be threatened by Chief Kewinilli? It’s like Milli Vanilli.
Leo Ebersole: Claim that he’s one of the founding members of the Village People.
Whizzer: Drop the buckskin clothing, adopt something in pink chiffon.
Bag Boy: Tell him to act more like the Illinois football team during the Big Ten season.
TOPIC 4: No Bulls player got an All-NBA vote because …
Jimmy Greenfield: … the NBA stubbornly refuses to recognize mediocrity.
Phillip Thompson: … no .500 team is entitled to? Their star player comes off the bench? I could go on.
Leo Ebersole: … Dwyane Wade says so.
Whizzer: … there was some concern that it might make Scott Skiles smile.
Bag Boy: … Ben Gordon missed the deadline to change his name to “Le-Bron James.”
TOPIC 5: Officials say Justin Gatlin tied and didn’t break the 100-meter mark. Any other changes?
Jimmy Greenfield: It was also announced that when the race started he didn’t really say, “Beep! Beep!”
Phillip Thompson: They’ll think twice next time about letting Bode Miller hold the stopwatch.
Leo Ebersole: After further review, his time also tied the number of seconds I was awake while reading that story.
Whizzer: Did you see the tape? The guy on Gatlin’s left? Look closely. It’s Abraham Lincoln. Creepy.
Bag Boy: I still believe it’s all a hoax, and the race was staged in a warehouse in Arizona.
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