TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: Name the sports figure that would give the best commencement address?
Phillip Thompson: Tiger Woods. What other sports figure has added words to our vocabulary like “cablinasian?”
Leo Ebersole: Mike Ditka, after several pitchers of margaritas.
Brian Moore: Dusty Baker. He could delude graduates into thinking everything’s OK.
Bag Boy: Coach Ditka. If he’s busy, get Buddy Ryan. If they’re both available, book ’em both.
STICK FIGURE: Pfffft, who cares?
Commencement is for suckers.
TOPIC 2: Any good luck charms for the Bulls on NBA draft lottery night?
Phillip Thompson: A troll doll or Jerry Krause, whatever’s available.
Leo Ebersole: Bulls fans can wear Eddy Curry Knicks jerseys–more as a “thank you” than for good luck.
Brian Moore: I’ve got an Eddy Curry voodoo doll ready, plus a replacement in case I get too crazy.
Bag Boy: I’ve offered to let GM John Paxson wear me around his neck. He hasn’t returned my call.
STICK FIGURE: Good luck’s for suckers. Leo, go ahead and guess what I can bench press.
TOPIC 3: What lies ahead for injured racehorse Barbaro?
Phillip Thompson: If he’s turned into horsemeat, he’s automatically disqualified as PETA’s sexiest vegetarian.
Leo Ebersole: His starring role in “Seabiscuit 2” makes him the biggest three-legged stud since Jack Nicholson.
Brian Moore: Perhaps he can help my son with some arts and crafts. He’ll need first-class glue for that.
Bag Boy: The Beverly Hills children’s birthday party pony ride circuit.
STICK FIGURE: Yep, two-hondo-and-fifty big ones. Love the burn, baby, love the burn.
TOPIC 4: How would you describe a potential NHL finals matchup between Edmonton and Buffalo?
Phillip Thompson: I didn’t realize that Edmonton still had an NHL team. Or that Buffalo still exists.
Leo Ebersole: I’d call it a huge breakthrough in sleep research.
Brian Moore: Well, I would try very hard not to. But, for starters, it’d be a perfect Rx for insomnia.
Bag Boy: OLN-esque. OK, I have to ask: Does Stick Figure look a little bigger to anyone else here?
STICK FIGURE: (Editor’s note: At this point, Stick Figure sobbed uncontrollably and didn’t answer)
TOPIC 5: What is LeBron James the king of?
Phillip Thompson: King of LeWorld.
Leo Ebersole: Corny Nike ad campaigns.
Brian Moore: King of being overhyped and underachieving.
Bag Boy: He’s the … ” ‘King of Cleveland,’ Tuesday nights at 8 p.m. on UPN!”
STICK FIGURE: You staring at me? Are you staring at me? Hey, don’t turn the page, I’m talking to you …
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E-mail redeyesports@tribune.com
