TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: What’s a good alternate punishment for punching an opposing player?
Phillip Thompson: I’m thinking some torture that Jack Bauer would invent involving Taylor Hicks.
Leo Ebersole: Anti-violence therapy, like they did for the guy in “A Clockwork Orange.” That seems reasonable.
Brian Moore: Watching that player go on to win a second straight World Series. Ooooh, that’s gonna hurt.
Mike North: Isn’t being a Cub punishment enough?
Stick Figure: Dumb question. If I get one more dumb question, I’m kicking in teeth.
TOPIC 2: A.J. Pierzynski is to Cubs fans as …
Phillip Thompson: .. Bill Cosby is to black people. Dr. Huxtable, heal thyself (and Malcolm Jamal Warner’s acting).
Leo Ebersole: … Phil is to Backstreet Boys fans. ‘N Sync forever, right, old buddy?
Brian Moore: … the disabled list is to Cubs pitchers.
Mike North: … Michael Barrett is to Sox fans.
Stick Figure: … I am to the rest of these chumps. Don’t hate me because I’m gorgeous.
TOPIC 3: Who would play Barbaro in a movie about Barbaro?
Phillip Thompson: Sarah Jessica Parker. Keep it in the family.
Leo Ebersole: A young Rosie O’Donnell.
Brian Moore: Barry Bonds. I’m guessing he can handle horse steroids.
Mike North: It’s time for Mr. Ed to come out of retirement.
Stick Figure: Tori Spelling. OH, GO AHEAD AND BOO! LIKE I GIVE A CRAP!
TOPIC 4: Northwestern’s soccer team apologized. Now’s your chance: What do you apologize for?
Phillip Thompson: That I never attended any of the Fire’s games. I’m a deadbeat soccer dad.
Leo Ebersole: Phil, I apologize for No. 2. I should have known from your tattoo that it’s “98 Degrees forever.”
Brian Moore: I’m sorry, deeply sorry, especially right now, that I’m so close to Stick Figure.
Mike North: For always being misquoted.
Stick Figure: Got nothing to apologize for, unless we count Mike North’s shirt. But that ain’t my chariot to drive.
TOPIC 5: If you were to send one e-mail to Mark Cuban, what would it say?
Phillip Thompson: Congratulations on beating the Spurs. This almost makes up for “The Benefactor.” Almost.
Leo Ebersole: “Sorry about the Barbaro casting, but Rosie has more Hollywood experience than you.”
Brian Moore: “Mark, I’m an Indiana grad too. Small world, eh? Um, could I borrow, or have, $1 million or so?”
Mike North: “Congrats, ‘Money.’ “
Stick Figure: “Dial it down, psycho.” And hey, where’s the protein shake I ordered, like, an hour ago?
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