TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: Make a sensible trade for the Cubs.
Phillip Thompson: Wrigley Field for Adam Dunn. The Cubs already can’t keep him inside the park.
Leo Ebersole: Kerry Wood and cash to CBS for a bottle of Tylenol and a Dr. Phil intervention.
Brian Moore: Kerry Wood for anybody. Hell, Kerry Wood for nobody.
Courtney Linehan: Kerry Wood for anybody who still has an elbow.
Jeff Puro: Wood and Prior for a medium-sized bag of sunflower seeds. OK, ranch-flavored.
TOPIC 2: Who could really use the new ESPN for Parents magazine?
Phillip Thompson: The Bears can use it for the Cubs. Awww, maulings are cute!
Leo Ebersole: About half the horses that ran in the Preakness. Just give ’em a few months.
Brian Moore: With that baby Terrell Owens now in town, Bill Parcells and the Cowboys.
Courtney Linehan: Illinois’ Ron Zook, who’ll be a baby-sitter if he keeps loading up on young players.
Jeff Puro: Barbaro. Being put out to stud is all that gluestick is good for now.
TOPIC 3: Anyone disappointed that Reggie Bush will wear “25” instead of “5?”
Phillip Thompson: Well, there goes our marketing plan. Thanks, Reg!
Leo Ebersole: Oh, yes. Anyone who’ll get paid more than his jersey number in millions gets my sympathy.
Brian Moore: What? Oh, man, anyone want to buy reggiebushno5.com from me?
Courtney Linehan: The Saints’ Adrian McPherson, who could’ve gotten a fat check for No. 5.
Jeff Puro: Bad question. Time for a Bucknell shout-out. Go Bison!
TOPIC 4: What should the Sox do about the first-place Detroit Tigers?
Phillip Thompson: Distract them with bourbon and hookers. I miss Jimmy.
Leo Ebersole: Flick a few drops of water in their faces. Works on my cat.
Brian Moore: First of all, remind them they play in Detroit. Who’s laughing now?
Courtney Linehan: Rest easy.
Jeff Puro: Steal Jim Leyland’s AARP Card. No discount bus ride to the park for you, pal.
TOPIC 5: What one word describes your feelings about Taylor Hicks?
Phillip Thompson: “Spaztastic!”
Leo Ebersole: The last name says it all.
Brian Moore: 14:59 …
Courtney Linehan: “I’dRatherHearDitkaSing.”
Jeff Puro: JustForMen (The Rejuvenator!)
———-
Editor’s note: Five on Five officials have announced that Stick Figure tested positive for steroids and must serve a one-week suspension from the panel.
At this time, we’re directing all inquiries to redeyesports@tribune.com. Thank you.
