TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: Any White House trip footwear suggestions for the Northwestern women’s lacrosse team?
Jimmy Greenfield: Sorry, but it’s beneath me to make silly footwear suggestions.
Phillip Thompson: After getting burned for wearing flip-flops last year, I think they should practice safe socks.
Leo Ebersole: Something that can hold the restraining orders they have obtained for Jimmy and Phil.
Mike North: A nice pair of purple pumps.
Bag Boy: Converse Chuck Taylor high-tops. What? That’s a very classy shoe.
TOPIC 2: How in the world can opposing pitchers stop Albert Pujols?
Jimmy Greenfield: I suggest he be forced to wear flip-flops.
Phillip Thompson: A little chin music. OK, a lot of chin music. OK, just break out Jay Leno’s 5th Symphony.
Leo Ebersole: You’ve heard of the spitball. Throw him the loogeyball.
Mike North: Make him a Cub.
That will fix him.
Bag Boy: Kryptonite. Or industrial-strength duct tape.
TOPIC 3: If Mark Cuban owned the Cubs …
Jimmy Greenfield: … he would have to change the pronunciation of his name.
Phillip Thompson: … they would be the trendiest team in baseball. “Losing” becomes the new “winning.”
Leo Ebersole: … he’d replace the seventh-inning stretch with “Drunken Karaoke with Dirk Nowitzki.”
Mike North: … if they lost 25 of the last 31, I have a feeling someone would be in trouble.
Bag Boy: … he could pin the Cubs’ World Series woes on NBA refs.
TOPIC 4: And if you owned the Cubs …
Jimmy Greenfield: … I’d sell the Cubs to Mark Cuban.
Phillip Thompson: … every seventh-inning stretch: Arranged by Mr. Burt Bacharach, sung by Mr. David Hasselhoff.
Leo Ebersole: … I’d roll back the odometer and trade ’em in for the Sox.
Mike North: … I don’t know where we would finish, but at least I’d care.
Bag Boy: … I’d send them on a barnstorming tour, and rent Wrigley out to a different circus.
TOPIC 5: A dog survived an alligator attack. Pretend it’s a prize fight, and give the fight a name.
Jimmy Greenfield: “The Battle of Dog Run.”
Phillip Thompson: “Puppy Chow.”
Leo Ebersole: “The Back-yard Brawl: Winner drinks out of the toilet.”
Mike North: “The Gator Meets His Maker.”
Bag Boy: “Star Jones vs. Joy Behar II.”
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