TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: How can we start a campaign to get Bill Murray to buy the Cubs?
Jimmy Greenfield: Let him know that Harold Ramis is thinking of buying the Cubs.
Phillip Thompson: Show him the comedic side of the Cubs. Any side will do.
Leo Ebersole: Convince fans it’s healthier to laugh at “Caddyshack” than at Jose Macias at-bats.
Whizzer: He treasures politeness. So ask him nicely. And everybody kick in 10 bucks.
Zack Carley: Tell him the grass is a cross of Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent and N. California Sensimilla.
TOPIC 2: If you were lifted from this panel like a pitcher after two questions, how would you respond?
Jimmy Greenfield: Ha, I’d like to see you try.
Frankly, I don’t think you’ve got the guts.
Phillip Thompson: I’m not sure I can. The only thing this bunch knows how to relieve is themselves.
Leo Ebersole: I’d take my frustration out on the nearest drink holder. C’mere, Whizzer.
Whizzer: I’d take the water cooler out back and put a bullet in it.
Zack Carley: By punching Whizzer in the face. He’s an agitator like A.J. Pierzynski and probably deserves it.
TOPIC 3: Why is Houston Astro Craig Biggio (hit by pitches 277 times) so good at getting plunked?
Jimmy Greenfield: (No comment)
Phillip Thompson: Because he’s “biggie … yo?” Now that’s the kind of answer that gets you yanked.
Leo Ebersole: Simple: He crowds the plate and whistles Pussycat Dolls songs.
Whizzer: Like Leo with his dominatrix, he just loves to be hit.
Zack Carley: Why does Leo keep asking my grandma out when she says, “No”? We may never know.
TOPIC 4: What one non-soccer player could boost the U.S. team’s World Cup chances?
Jimmy Greenfield: (No comment)
Phillip Thompson: Prince Albert, who probably has kids on every team.
Leo Ebersole: Barry Bonds. On the headers, at least.
Whizzer: Nick Lachey. I’ve wanted to ship him overseas for quite some time.
Zack Carley: Paris Hilton. She likes to score and has no problem doing it with a camera on her.
TOPIC 5: Which one of you is a bad neighbor, and why?
Jim Greenfield: (No comment)
Phillip Thompson: This new guy, Zack, because he’s trapped in the closet with Slater and Screech.
Leo Ebersole: Phil. All I ask is that he pull my finger and I get nothing, absolutely nothing.
Whizzer: Zack here. Big fella, can you even spell “shower”?
Zack Carley: Jimmy. That reflection off his head is extremely distracting.
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