Our U.S. men gave up a goal five minutes into their opener against the Czechs. We haven’t seen Americans roll over that fast since the Paris Hilton video, but you know folks …
2. Lose the delusion
U.S. plays Italy next. That should be a total cakewalk because we all know that nobody in Italy plays soccer.
3. Fooled yet again
Australia 3, Japan 1. And that sound you hear is my World Cup office pool bracket being flushed down the toilet.
4. Naked truth
Four days into the World Cup and not one streaker. Where’s the hustle, people?
5. Sing along now!
Tomas Rosicky scored twice for the Czechs. Rosicky, you’re so fine, you’re so fine, you blow my mind, Rosicky! Rosicky! Rosicky, what a pity, can’t you understand, you take me by the heart when you take me by the hand.
6. Singin’ in the pain
In other “Songs That Make Your Skull Ache As If It Had Been Smashed by the Hammer of Thor” news, ESPN’s keeping Hank Williams Jr.’s “All My Rowdy Friends” song on Monday night NFL games.
7. Screw you, Mom
To honor the Rush and their Arena Football League title, let’s all spend this week playing football in the house.
8. Canine interrupted
There’s some government corruption scandal swirling around Beijing’s 2008 Olympics, but I’ve been paid an undisclosed sum of cash to never speak of it again.
9. Sticky work
No NHL player failed a drug test during the first season of the anti-doping program, but many of the 1,406 tests revealed incredibly high levels of maple syrup.
FIVE MORE …
… ways for the U.S. to beat Italy:
– Yell, “Hey, is that Monica Bellucci topless?”
– Stack the U.S. roster with Navy SEALs.
– Replace tackling with atomic wedgies.
– Build a 10-foot brick wall in front of the U.S. net.
– Score at least one goal.
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redeyesports@tribune.com
