TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: Explain why nobody on this panel won a Tony Award?
Jimmy Greenfield: My agent sent my application to the Razzies. But I did win “Worst Question No. 2 Answer.”
Phillip Thompson: I mean if Leo can’t get one using his casting couch strategy, who can?
Leo Ebersole: Jimmy can’t act, Phil sings like a whale, and Whizzer won’t sleep with Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Whizzer: Because nobody here is named Tony. Will all of today’s questions be this easy?
Bag Boy: I’m not “theatrical enough.” Next year, I paint tears on the bag.
TOPIC 2: What happened to the U.S. men’s soccer team?
Jimmy Greenfield: They stayed up late watching German porn, which in Europe is called “football.”
Phillip Thompson: It was doomed: Americans are to soccer what Rob Schneider movies are to comedy.
Leo Ebersole: Being Americans, they thought the Czech Republic was a team of mall store employees.
Whizzer: No question it was their distinct lack of silly haircuts.
Bag Boy: Damn, did the World Cup start already?
TOPIC 3: Roger Clemens pitching to minor-leaguers is like …
Jimmy Greenfield: … Roger Clemens pitching to the Cubs.
Phillip Thompson: … dropping two 500-pound bombs on one terrorist. Overkill? Maybe, but fun to watch.
Leo Ebersole: … Babe Ruth using steroids.
Whizzer: … a heavy acid rain on a hot summer day.
Bag Boy: … the Czech Republic vs. the U.S. I am SO all about the World Cup now.
TOPIC 4: If you could replace Wrigley’s scoreboard with anything, what would it be?
Jimmy Greenfield: A gigantic photo of Bernadette Peters, circa 1974.
Phillip Thompson: A huge disco ball to distract opposing batters. Funktifying the outfield is just a side benefit.
Leo Ebersole: Jermaine Dye.
Whizzer: The Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
Bag Boy: Giant gas-soaked logs set on fire and arranged to spell out “S.O.S.”
TOPIC 5: Would anyone here ever wear a wire to help indict a teammate?
Jimmy Greenfield: A wire? Hell, if it were Leo, I’d pull the switch.
Phillip Thompson: For my own protection, they’d have to assure me Bag Boy gets life for his illegal heckling ring.
Leo Ebersole: I would never work with the fed-eral gov-ern-ment. Please lean in and repeat the question.
Whizzer: Not a chance. Now Phil–test, one, two–go ahead, and tell us about your “male modeling.”
Bag Boy: Indict me for what? Indict me for WHAT? You’re nothing but a badge and a lot of hot air.
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