TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: How can Phil Mickelson put his U.S. Open collapse behind him?
Jimmy Greenfield: Well, Phil, you can start by not saying things like, “I’m such an idiot.” You idiot.
Leo Ebersole: By wearing his winner’s check from The Masters as a cape.
Brian Moore: He can keep telling himself that he at least beat Tiger for once.
Whizzer: Look in a mirror and repeat this phrase: “At least I didn’t give up four homers to the Tigers.”
Bag Boy: Remember that inside every champion is a loser hiding in mortal fear. Thank me later.
TOPIC 2: What forbidden phrase would you yell if you sang at Wrigley Field?
Jimmy Greenfield: “I WANT TO MAKE SWEET LOVE TO YOU, STAR JONES!”
Leo Ebersole: “You guys know the Sox sell season tickets, too, right?”
Brian Moore: “Trade Kerry Wood!”
Whizzer: “Beer is for uneducated morons who cannot truly appreciate a fine pinot noir!”
Bag Boy: “I just bought the Cubs, and you’re all evicted. The demolition crew will be here shortly.”
TOPIC 3: With the Cubs doing so poorly, why do fans keep filling the park?
Jimmy Greenfield: Phil Mickelson Syndrome.
Leo Ebersole: People love to watch losers. You should see the crowd outside Bag Boy’s mom’s house.
Brian Moore: They have no pride, no self-respect and don’t mind being associated with losers.
Whizzer: Because one of these days a streaker will strike, and we all want to be there to witness it.
Bag Boy: “The Shawshank Redemption” taught us hope is a dangerous thing. Hope drives a man insane.
TOPIC 4: Why isn’t soccer the No. 1 sport in America?
Jimmy Greenfield: Why has Yanni sold millions of records? Some things are better left unsaid.
Leo Ebersole: Only room for one sport where players grab each other’s testicles, and the NBA was here first.
Brian Moore: Because soccer players think tackling is tripping. Try tripping Ray Lewis.
Whizzer: Easy. It’s impossible to end America’s love affair with curling.
Bag Boy: Because if it were, I’d have to move to Canada and suffer through the CFL.
TOPIC 5: Dirk Nowitzki is to David Hasselhoff as you are to …
Jimmy Greenfield: … Cheryl Ladd. People, Dirk is not telling you the whole story.
Leo Ebersole: … the great Tom Jones. It’s not un-yoo-sual …
Brian Moore: … Oscar the Grouch. Well, that’s what people tell me.
Whizzer: … K.I.T.T. “Whizzer, running over Leo’s feet won’t solve anything.” JUST DO IT, K.I.T.T.!
Bag Boy: … Yanni. What, it relaxes me?
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