Five on Five had to work in the office on the 4th of July, but we did take a moment to gather outside to light one sparkler.
Yippee. Visit them at chicagoredeye.com/fiveonfive.
TOPIC 1: BEN WALLACE IN A BULLS UNIFORM MEANS …
Jimmy Greenfield: … hard-to-attain expectations and hard-to-believe free-throw percentages.
Phillip Thompson: … the Bulls will have their biggest afro since Artis Gilmore. But can Ben rock the sideburns?
Leo Ebersole: … Bag Boy switches to a wider bag to accommodate his new afro.
Bag Boy: … DEE-TROIT SUCKS! DEE-TROIT SUCKS!
Stick Figure: When riding a bicycle, always wear two helmets. One on your head and one on your tush!
TOPIC 2: WHAT’S NEXT FOR BENNY THE BULL?
Jimmy Greenfield: While visiting sick children in the hospital, he beats up their doctors.
Phillip Thompson: A jail cell with Da Bull. Folks, if you see a Bulls mascot, don’t be a hero. Call the cops.
Leo Ebersole: His updated police record lands him a date with Kate Moss.
Bag Boy: We’re not sending him to pick up Ben Wallace at the airport, I’ll say that much.
Stick Figure: Will I get in trouble for saying “tush” in No. 1? I’m scared.
TOPIC 3: WHO’S YOUR PICK TO CLICK IN THE WESTERN OPEN?
Jimmy Greenfield: Me. Thanks, Cialis!
Phillip Thompson: The Indians. They’re much better golfers than cowboys.
Leo Ebersole: I like last year’s winner Jim Furyk to get his Furyk on. Or something.
Bag Boy: John Paxson. That handsome son of a gun is on a roll.
Stick Figure: I didn’t mean to say “tush.” Bag Boy made me do it. The dog ate my homework. Don’t slap me!
TOPIC 4: HAS THE ALL-STAR HOME RUN DERBY JUMPED THE SHARK?
Jimmy Greenfield: Of course. Which reminds me, Henry Winkler? Very underrated talent. Carry on.
Phillip Thompson: Not only that, but the same shark has the NBA dunk contest by the leg and is pulling it under.
Leo Ebersole: No, but don’t put it past Bud Selig to add a stunt like that when the game moves to Arizona.
Bag Boy: Not only has it jumped the shark, it’s jumped the NBA dunk contest. Enough already.
Stick Figure: C’mon. “Tush”? What’s everybody getting so uptight about? It’s just a word.
TOPIC 5: HOW WOULD YOU REACT IF A STREAKER RAN PAST YOU?
Jimmy Greenfield: Whip out my Canon.
Phillip Thompson: I would trip him and hope he has a kickstand.
Leo Ebersole: Out of habit, I’d report Phil to the authorities.
Bag Boy: Break down and join them. Hey, everyone loves a parade.
Stick Figure: TUSH! TUSH! TUSH! TUSHY-TUSHY TUSH!
