Do yourself a favor, and don’t hold this page too close to your face. Long story short: Leo brought his ant farm in to work, it broke, and now we’re fumigating the place. Visit them at chicagoredeye.com/fiveonfive.
TOPIC 1: IS DUSTY BAKER MANAGING THE CUBS AFTER THE ALL-STAR BREAK?
Jimmy Greenfield: Why would he start then?
Phillip Thompson: Dusty can’t do any harm to anyone by staying. Especially to other teams.
Leo Ebersole: No, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he’ll be fired.
Brian Moore: Yes. Cubs management needs someone to blame for the rest of the season.
Bag Boy: Sorry, but I’m taking another five days to evaluate the question.
TOPIC 2: IS OZZIE GUILLEN MANAGING THE SOX FIVE YEARS FROM NOW?
Jimmy Greenfield: Only if it doesn’t interfere with his mayoral duties.
Phillip Thompson: Mayor Guillen won’t have time for that. NEITHER WILL YOU, SLAVES!
Leo Ebersole: Only if voters don’t have the courage to elect him mayor.
Brian Moore: Yes. Cubs management needs someone to blame for the rest of the decade.
Bag Boy: No, by then he’s managing Mark Cuban’s Cubs at Google Field. Anything’s possible, folks.
TOPIC 3: WHAT WILL LIFE BE LIKE AROUND HERE ONCE THE WORLD CUP IS OVER?
Jimmy Greenfield: Shhh, can you hear that? IT’S THE CICADAS! THEY’RE COMING IN 2007! RUN!
Phillip Thompson: No more foreign TV, just our dumb, imperialistic sports. What’s “subliminal” mean?
Leo Ebersole: We can finally break up the wall we’ve been standing in. Hands on your own crotch, Jimmy.
Brian Moore: Phil, unfortunately, will be able to use his hands again. It’s fun watching him type with his head.
Bag Boy: A relief. I can stop pretending I care. Thaaat’s right, I said it.
TOPIC 4: A WIMBLEDON DOUBLES MATCH WENT 6 HOURS, 9 MINUTES. WHY?
Jimmy Greenfield: They accidentally used World Cup refs, and players weren’t allowed to use their hands.
Phillip Thompson: That’s the minimum sleep requirement recommended by the surgeon general.
Leo Ebersole: They were gunning for “King Kong’s” record for the biggest waste of time ever.
Brian Moore: It featured just one guy and lots of running back and forth.
Bag Boy: There was a four-hour delay when the tennis balls organized and went on strike.
TOPIC 5: HOW CAN BULLS FANS WELCOME BEN WALLACE TO CHICAGO?
Jimmy Greenfield: By giving him a nickname that reflects the reaction to hissigning: Jesus Christ.
Phillip Thompson: First, we’ll need 1,000 troll dolls. Driver, to Leo’s hope chest and hurry!
Leo Ebersole: With a Pat Riley pinata and an aluminum bat.
Brian Moore: Afros, lots of afros. But not on people, on dogs. Whizzer will love it.
Bag Boy: You can probably already tell, but I’m growing my hair out.
