In case you’re wondering, none of today’s panelists had to be carried off the field on a stretcher. But Bag Boy was spotted diving around in fake agony several times. Visit chicagoredeye.com/fiveonfive.
TOPIC 1: HOW COULD YOU SPOT A RED SOX FAN IN CHICAGO THIS WEEKEND?
Phillip Thompson: Look for red hats that may seem orange under the glow of Johnny Damon burning in effigy.
Leo Ebersole: They were the ones nervously asking for the score of the Yankees game.
Brian Moore: They were the only baseball fans smiling this weekend.
Whizzer: I heard one at Navy Pier telling a Chicagoan that their ocean is bigger than our ocean.
Bag Boy: They were the ones heckling me.
TOPIC 2: WHAT ARE THE GLOBAL IMPLICATIONS OF SUNDAY’S WORLD CUP FINAL RESULT?
Phillip Thompson: After spending so much time in Germany, more nations fall prey to David Hasselhoff. RUN!
Leo Ebersole: The northern hemisphere is buried by a massive wave of pasta sauce and bread crumbs.
Brian Moore: Olive Gardens across the country shut down to celebrate. No one notices.
Whizzer: All border conflicts and treaty violations will be decided by penalty kicks.
Bag Boy: The nasty hate mail I get will regain its original domestic flavor.
TOPIC 3: KERRY WOOD MAY BE DONE. MARK PRIOR GOT HURT IN BP. WHAT’S NEXT?
Phillip Thompson: Can a pitcher be sold for parts?
Leo Ebersole: Carlos Zambrano accidentally walks into a screening of “The Devil Wears Prada.”
Brian Moore: Cubs get two pitchers who can actually pitch to replace them.
Whizzer: All remaining Cubs are forbidden from any physical exertion for the rest of 2006.
Bag Boy: It doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t matter. What an epic meltdown we have here.
TOPIC 4: FOUR STRAIGHT WIMBLEDON MEN’S TITLES FOR ROGER FEDERER. WHAT’S NEXT?
Phillip Thompson: Three more and he gets to date Sheryl Crow.
Leo Ebersole: Wimbledon retires.
Brian Moore: He wins five, and the sixth one’s free.
Whizzer: He puts out his first rap album, “R-Fed, With Love.”
Bag Boy: Mark Prior strains his right oblique muscle.
TOPIC 5: LEBRON JAMES’ 5-YEAR, $80 MILLION EXTENSION WITH THE CAVS. WHY?
Phillip Thompson: It’s going to cost him at least half that in acting lessons for his next commercial.
Leo Ebersole: Because he has replaced the burning tire yards as the new face of Cleveland.
Brian Moore: Well, he’s the NBA’s best player for one.
Whizzer: He wants to be there when Cleveland wins a title, and I think the Browns have a shot.
Bag Boy: I’d do just about anything for $80 million. Except live in Cleveland.
