TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: Where do the Seattle SuperSonics wind up?
Jimmy Greenfield: On the pitcher’s mound. Hey ho! All right, just read No. 2. It’s better, trust me.
Phillip Thompson: They stay in Seattle, but the players will have to sell Starbucks in the stands.
Leo Ebersole: Atlanta. It’s high time that city got a professional basketball team.
Adam Caldarelli: At the bottom of the standings.
Evil Super Computer: Wherever I program them to wind up. Right now, I have them.
TOPIC 2: If Tommy Morrison and Mike Tyson boxed, what would happen?
Jimmy Greenfield: UPS would go out of business. Come on now, that is so corny! Stop it!
Phillip Thompson: Not to say Tyson’s skills are diminished, but Morrison’s glove will get a nice face tattoo.
Leo Ebersole: More biting than a night at Chez Hilton.
Adam Caldarelli: Honestly, I would rather see Tyson fight a grizzly bear.
Evil Super Computer: For some reason, I’m picturing Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots.
TOPIC 3: What’s next for the 94-year-old baseball player Buck O’Neill?
Jimmy Greenfield: He’ll write a book about this season titled, “Huh? Ah, I can’t hear a word you’re saying.”
Phillip Thompson: He’ll be cornered in an alley by ex-oldest player ever Jim Eriotes, 83. Hips will be broken.
Leo Ebersole: He signs with the Yankees and becomes their third-oldest player.
Adam Caldarelli: He has to have better hands than Todd Walker, so I say second base for the Cubs.
Evil Super Computer: IMMORTALITY! But first, an appearance on “Good Morning America.”
TOPIC 4: Jose Canseco winning the Golden Baseball League home-run derby is like …
Jimmy Greenfield: … Tom Sizemore winning the Johnson County Dinner Theatre best actor jug.
Phillip Thompson: … competing against Pete Rose in a Moe Howard look-alike contest. Yes, all three are stooges.
Leo Ebersole: … Tony Hawk taking on the kids at the local skate park–hopped up on horse steroids.
Adam Caldarelli: … Derrek Lee suiting up for the Cubs every day.
Evil Super Computer: … anyone wearing a “Vote for Pedro” T-shirt. Seriously, we get it. Enough.
TOPIC 5: Are you expecting an invite to Pam Anderson’s wedding?
Jimmy Greenfield: Yes, and I’ve already ordered the penicillin.
Phillip Thompson: Invited? I’ll have you know I’m in charge of the complimentary tattoos and stripper poles.
Leo Ebersole: As someone who doesn’t have any tattoos or major infections, I didn’t think I was eligible.
Adam Caldarelli: Wow. She doesn’t even let me call her Pam. And, no, I’m not expecting an invite.
Evil Super Computer: I printed out my own and plan to crash after I update my anti-virus software. Who’s with me?
———-
Find us daily at chicagoredeye.com/fiveonfive.
