I hate Detroit.
Don’t get me wrong, the city must have some reason for existing that I’m sure escapes me right now.
I mean, yeah, Detroit did beat the Sox on Thursday to win the series and take a 5Q game lead in the Frickin’-Central-Geez-Louise-Martha-Stew art-But-I-Digress Division. And granted, that Detroit Tiger guy (what’s-his-Thames) slammed hard enough into Tadahito Iguchi’s legs on that broken double play to make spare parts for Mark Prior.
But I’m not bitter. (Watch your back, Marcus Thames. And your knees.)
No, people. I’ve come to respect Detroit for what it is: a Pit of Evil.
For a Pit of Evil, it does a pretty good job. The Red Wings have won 10 Stanley Cups, and my therapist is well on her way to becoming a millionaire. Detroit hosted a Super Bowl this year that the Bears did not win. Very suspicious. The Pistons let us–just let us!–have Ben Wallace, so I’m pretty sure that’s a trick too.
And the Lions are just a blight on society.
I don’t know how where this introspective mood originated–maybe some cosmic convergence of the moon, El Nino and Rachael Ray–but I’m going with it.
I decided to look back at some of my recent comments about Detroit to see if I’ve been too harsh on “that town.”
Past Bag: “These fans–clearly not our equals in anything–have enjoyed a world-class hockey run that would be the envy of any city.”
Present Bag: I forgot to add, “… and a volume of ‘Cops’ appearances that would be the envy of any city.”
Past Bag: “The Detroit Tigers. I’ve hated them ever since Jack Morris no-hit the Sox on national TV in ’84. Oh, no, the Bag never forgets.”
Present Bag: Oh, let’s take it back even further. The year: 1979. The incident: “Disco Demolition Night.” The aftermath: A forfeit to who else? The Tigers.
Past Bag: “There are lots of things to like about Detroit. They have good food, nice people, a nice downtown. OK, one of those was a lie.”
Present Bag: OK, all of those were lies.
Past Bag: In Five on Five, I said if I had the Stanley Cup for a day, I’d “duct tape it to my car’s roof and drive through Detroit singing ‘Can’t Touch This.’ “
Present Bag: I forgot to add, “… and have Hammer dance around the Joe Louis Fist wearing Bears-colored Zubaz.”
Past Bag: “If the Tampa Bay Bucs are supposed to be the NFC’s elite, I’m going to [the Super Bowl in] Detroit with or without the Bears.”
Present Bag: That reminds me, one less team, and the Lions still can’t win the division. On the bright side, they can’t finish in fifth place anymore (at least I don’t think they can). And that silliness about going to the Big Show without the Bears, I didn’t mean it. Forgive me, Ditka.
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BAG BOY VENTS HIS SPLEEN EVERY FRIDAY IN REDEYE.
redeyesports@tribune.com
