TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: Got any baseball trade hunches?
Jimmy Greenfield: The Cubs will acquire Three Finger Mordecai Brown’s other two fingers.
Phillip Thompson: Sox and Cubs discuss Derrek Lee. Kidding, Cubs fans! Cubs fans? Leo, get the defibrillator!
Leo Ebersole: Mark Prior to the Yankees for leftovers from George Steinbrenner’s last dinner.
Brian Moore: Cubs make no moves but insist that’s exactly what they wanted to do.
Bag Boy: The city of Chicago trades the Cubs for the Oakland Athletics. Now make it happen.
TOPIC 2: What’s the most alarming part of the Sox’s recent slide?
Jimmy Greenfield: That anyone thinks they’re sliding. Folks, they’ve had a bad 10 games. It happens. Chill.
Phillip Thompson: All the pitching problems. It’s like they’ve forgotten how to pitch. Or learned how to be Cubs.
Leo Ebersole: They can’t even throw fundamentally sound beanballs.
Brian Moore: Ozzie hasn’t bitten the head off anyone–yet.
Bag Boy: That anybody’s alarmed. You see me sweating this? I mean, if I didn’t have the bag.
TOPIC 3: Give the readers one rule about wearing a baseball hat.
Jimmy Greenfield: Don’t wear any hat Bobby Jenks just sat on. It’s a goner.
Phillip Thompson: Some fans wear theirs backward to protect their necks from getting red. Therein lies the irony.
Leo Ebersole: Never, EVER let that hat touch Jimmy’s head. Head lice is only the beginning.
Brian Moore: Forward. Always.
Bag Boy: If it has the Detroit Tigers logo on it, I suggest you get the hell out of Chicago.
TOPIC 4: Any idea what’s next for Tour de France champ Floyd Landis?
Jimmy Greenfield: To enhance his marketing appeal, he’s changing his name to Zippy McBike.
Phillip Thompson: He has to hurry if he’s going to capitalize on his newfound fame. Oops, there it goes.
Leo Ebersole: The always-grueling Tour de Late Night Talk Shows.
Brian Moore: A little Sheryl Crow, perhaps.
Bag Boy: He has hip replacement surgery but only after signing with the Blackhawks.
TOPIC 5: What event was missing from Sunday’s Miss Universe pageant?
Jimmy Greenfield: The Catfight on the Catwalk.
Phillip Thompson: No Torture Trials of Kirzeez 4? And you Terrans call this a universe pageant.
Leo Ebersole: The ceremonial passing of phone numbers to Lenny Kravitz.
Brian Moore: Mud-wrestling. Definitely mud-wrestling.
Bag Boy: An invasion of Martians pissed off they weren’t allowed to compete.
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