TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: ‘Fess up: Did you buy one of the Bulls’ $2,500-a-game seats?
Jimmy Greenfield: No, I decided it made more sense to eat this year.
Phillip Thompson: Did you say $2,500 a game just to sit? What do they call it, the Tim Thomas Plan?
Leo Ebersole: The good news: I did. The bad news: I’ll be washing dishes at the Reinsdorf household for 15 years.
Mike North: No, but it would be great to sit next to Grant Hill. He always wears sharp suits.
Bag Boy: I cannot tell a lie. I bought two of them–with Mike North’s AmEx.
TOPIC 2: Pick a surprise name among the 11 NFL Commissioner mystery candidates.
Jimmy Greenfield: Generalissimo Francisco Franco.
Phillip Thompson: Chuck Norris. What negotiations? He signs collective bargaining agreements in your blood.
Leo Ebersole: Pee-wee Herman. Apparently he handled himself very well in interviews.
Mike North: Barbaro, the owners need someone they can ride, and he looks a little like Tagliabue.
Bag Boy: Kid Rock. The man’s living the dream.
TOPIC 3: A Martian lands and asks, “What is ‘baseball’s trading deadline?’ ” Explain it.
Jimmy Greenfield: Well, I guess it must mean that Martians actually do exist.
Phillip Thompson: That’s when uniformed humans are sent from one camp to another, but not to be vaporized.
Leo Ebersole: A time for everyone with a seven-figure salary on the Pirates to say their goodbyes.
Mike North: You tell him most of it is science fiction, sort of like the question you just asked.
Bag Boy: Good teams get better, bad teams don’t. Now go pester Detroit, and set phasers on “Lose 10 straight.”
TOPIC 4: Pretend Donald Trump bought the Cubs. What’s the first thing he does?
Jimmy Greenfield: Hire a PR firm to explain all the Cubs fans killing themselves.
Phillip Thompson: Installs a red retractable roof over Wrigley that flips open whenever a strong wind blows.
Leo Ebersole: Demand that all trixies in attendance sign prenups before trolling the bleachers.
Mike North: Tears down the outdoor beer garden and builds a real ballpark.
Bag Boy: He hires the aforementioned Martian as GM.
TOPIC 5: The jockey apologized for head-butting his horse. Is that enough?
Jimmy Greenfield: The horse also wants $5 million cash. Sadly, he just wants to eat it.
Phillip Thompson: OK, that’s it! Tag-team cage match: The jockey and Zinedine Zidane vs. two mountain goats.
Leo Ebersole: No. He must apologize to all horses, starting with Camilla Parker Bowles.
Mike North: He should go lie down and let the horse walk over his sorry butt.
Bag Boy: I don’t think a hug and a kiss on the lips is too much to ask.
