OK, so Houston and Philadelphia are out, and Chicago, L.A. and San Francisco remain. Let’s see how the finalists compare in the fairest of all the measuring tools, the faceoff.
LIGHTING THE TORCH
CHICAGO
The torch lighting star could be … President of the United States Oprah Winfrey.
SAN FRANCISCO
The torch lighting star could be future California governor Bruce Willis.
L.A.
The torch lighting star could be future two-time Academy Award nominee Dakota Fanning.
WINNER: Chicago. Live your best life.
FOOTBALL
CHICAGO
We have the Bears.
SAN FRANCISCO
They have no professional football team.
L.A.
There is no professional football team.
WINNER: Chicago. The 49ers you say? Have you seen them lately?
GAY GAMES
CHICAGO
Was home to the most recent Gay Games.
SAN FRANCISCO
Was home to the first Gay Games.
L.A.
Has West Hollywood.
WINNER: Chicago. We’re here, we’re clear, get used to it.
WATER HAZARD
CHICAGO
Near a lake.
SAN FRANCISCO
Near an ocean.
L.A.
Is nearly in an ocean.
WINNER: Chicago. No sharks = safer wind-surfing.
HOSTING HISTORY
CHICAGO
Has never had the Olympics.
SAN FRANCISCO
Has never had the Olympics.
L.A.
Has had the Olympics twice (1932 and 1984).
WINNER: Two-way tie. First one to say, “We love the USOC” wins, and WELOVETHEUSOC! Chicago wins.
SINGING PRAISES
CHICAGO
Wilco’s “Via Chicago.”
SAN FRANCISCO
Tony Bennett’s “I Left My Heart in San Francisco.”
L.A.
Randy Newman’s “I Love L.A.”
WINNER: Chicago. The other two are older than dirt.
OVERALL WINNER:
You saw this coming–it’s Chicago in a landslide. Was the election rigged? To be honest, we don’t like the implication.
