TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: What can you do to derail the U.S. Olympic bids of L.A. and San Francisco?
Jimmy Greenfield: Send out my consigliere Tom Hagen with an offer they don’t refuse.
Phillip Thompson: You can’t have an Olympics, Cali, if you can’t even keep your lights on. Oooo, low blow.
Leo Ebersole: Sit back, and let Rob Schneider do the heavy lifting.
Whizzer: Quietly sell California to Spain.
Juan Gonzalez: Recommend the Governator flex his muscles shirtless.
TOPIC 2: How important is the Cubs-Cardinals series now?
Jimmy Greenfield: On a scale of 1-10? .31416 …
Phillip Thompson: Crucial. I still can’t claim this season as a total disaster with my insurance company.
Leo Ebersole: Very important if Pujols gets hurt again. If not, I have some grocery coupons to use.
Whizzer: As important as a Shiloh Nouvel update. Read that any way you wish.
Juan Gonzalez: As important as Ozzie Guillen attending sensitivity training classes.
TOPIC 3: Time to come clean: Is anyone here taking testosterone?
Jimmy Greenfield: I enjoy a nip with dinner every now and then, but that’s about it.
Phillip Thompson: I’m giving away some of mine.
I have intravenous lines hooked up to Leo like jumper cables.
Leo Ebersole: Um, yes. Our older readers will recall that Jimmy started out on this panel as a woman.
Whizzer: If by “taking” you mean “selling to Leo,” then yes, guilty on all counts.
Juan Gonzalez: I must admit, I needed some hair on my chest.
TOPIC 4: If the No. 2 Tour de France finisher is named champ, how does he celebrate?
Jimmy Greenfield: By destroying his urine samples.
Phillip Thompson: Like cyclists handle things. Does a ride-by on Landis and spears him with a baguette.
Leo Ebersole: With a shot of Jack, followed by a shot of B-12.
Whizzer: Instantly quits his job on the rickshaw tour.
Juan Gonzalez: By sending the No. 1 finisher a “thank you” card
TOPIC 5: What would Charles Barkley do first if elected Alabama’s governor?
Jimmy Greenfield: Fall short of leading Alabama to an NBA title.
Phillip Thompson: “To the distinguished reps from Tuscaloosa, allow me to administer your first forearm shiver.”
Leo Ebersole: Double the state’s budget deficit with an ill-fated bet on the Bears.
Whizzer: Conduct all state business from the NBA on TNT studios in Atlanta.
Juan Gonzalez: The new state nickname: “Round Mound of Government.”
