After living in Orlando for 11 years, Lisa Mercurio was ready to ditch what she considered its small-town vibe to seek big-city adventures in Chicago.
But weeks after settling into her Lakeview apartment, the outgoing 29-year-old found that her new life was a lonely one.
“I’ve been sitting in my apartment too much, walking around alone,” said Mercurio, who worked as a middle-school guidance counselor in Florida and is looking for a job here. “It’s hard to find a central place to go, to know where to meet people and keep it going without it being awkward.”
Mercurio doesn’t necessarily think she’s lonely–more just alone, she said–but many young city dwellers do feel that way.
“GOD I’M LONELY!!!” a 20-year-old woman writes in a Chicago craigslist.com posting seeking “anything that involves me leaving my apartment,” a common sentiment on the “strictly platonic” section of the online classifieds mecca.
In and out of jobs, cities and relationships, a generation with the world at its fingertips is finding that endless possibilities can mean going it alone.
“A lot of young people have deferred making long-standing commitments because they don’t know where they’re going to be,” said Bernard Beck, associate professor of sociology at Northwestern University. “In their personal lives, they’ve stripped themselves down to be fast-moving, lean and mean.”
If you are lonely, you’re not alone.
According to a study published last month, Americans have surprisingly fewer close friends now than they did 20 years ago. The drop was especially steep for people 18 to 34, who went from 3.4 friends in 1985 to 2 in 2004, while older people went from 2.8 to 2, according to the survey of 1,467 people.
Young people today may have a wider network of casual friends–made possible by e-mail, cell phones, text messaging and Web sites like MySpace–but the survey measured close friendships; that is, people who help you make big life decisions and whom you can count on in times of crisis.
“They may be very, very connected, but the question we asked was with whom have you discussed matters that are important to you,” said Lynn Smith-Lovin, a Duke University sociology professor who co-wrote the study with researchers from the University of Arizona. Twenty-five percent of survey respondents in 2004 said they had no such confidant–up from 10 percent in 1985.
Smith-Lovin said the abrupt change may be due in part to different interpretations of what’s “important” or whether e-mail constitutes “discussion.”
While friendships with co-workers and neighbors have declined, people have come to depend more heavily on family members and spouses, according to the study. That doesn’t do much for young adults, who are leaving home earlier and getting married later than ever before.
“Young people are less likely to have a spouse or partner to talk to,” Smith-Lovin said. “They may be busy building their careers, but they have not yet settled down.”
Mercurio said she has no intention of settling down soon. All she wants now is friends, which were easy to make in Orlando because “we would see the same people over and over.” Making friends in Chicago, she said, seems a more daunting task.
“People in the city feel awkward or not trusting of whom to talk to,” Mercurio said. “I had an amazing conversation with a woman at Borders, but I didn’t know how to ask her if she wanted to hang out some time.”
Mary Vallone remembers feeling that way when she moved to Chicago from Wisconsin for a job after college. She was 23 at the time, and everyone she worked with was older and married.
“I was totally lonely, which was so unlike me,” said Vallone, now 35. “My weekends were spent at Target and cleaning my apartment.”
Missing the hubbub of college and searching for female friends, Vallone in 1996 founded Highlife Adventures, a social club that organizes activities for single adults. The Lakeview-based group now has about 3,000 members.
Some of the thousands of people Vallone interviewed for entry to the group were so lonely they broke into tears, she said.
“There’s that common theme of, ‘I don’t know anyone here,’ or, ‘All of my friends are married, and I will not spend another Saturday going to their kids’ birthday parties.’ “
Speculation abounds about the cause of what some say is a growing social isolation. Some people blame longer work days, longer commutes, iPods, TV and video games.
Richard Stivers, sociology professor at Illinois State University in Normal and author of “Shades of Loneliness,” blames capitalism for turning human relationships into competitive ones that become vague, insincere and impersonal. People on a daily basis live in fear of what other people feel or say about them, Stivers said. Even though people surround themselves with others and seem extroverted and friendly, inside they’re lonely.
“If you have satisfactory human relationships, you can be alone for long periods of time and not be lonely,” Stivers said. “When all of our relationships become so ambiguous, you can be lonely in the midst of a crowd.”
That lack of intimacy is what irks Mike Spinner, 32, who lives in Lakeview and works at a Hyde Park bar. Many young men and women don’t care to put true effort into making a relationship work, he said.
“I think things are lost right now,” Spinner said. “Everybody’s MTV-ish, they have this ‘Girls Gone Wild’ mentality.”
For a 24-year-old Lakeview bartender who goes by “E” and asked that his full name not be used, the problem is that young people are afraid to sacrifice their own goals for someone else.
“E,” who admits that he’s sometimes lonely, said he broke up with his girlfriend of 2 1/2 years because they had different priorities. It was the right person, he said, at the wrong time.
“You go back and think, ‘I could have done it with them,’ ” he said. “But you don’t understand that until later on.”
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Loneliness may put your health at risk
Everyone feels down sometimes, but being too lonely for too long can be bad for your health, according to University of Chicago psychology professor John Cacioppo.
The unpleasant lonely feeling, like hunger, alerts you that you’re not getting enough of an important human need–in this case social interaction, he said.
“Loneliness has evolved for a reason,” said Cacioppo, director of the school’s Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience. “It is there because it means there’s something going wrong with our social connections.”
Being chronically lonely not only can lead to depression, but also to heart problems, said Cacioppo, who co-authored a study published in March about the effects of loneliness on the cardiovascular system.
Loneliness is linked to greater vascular resistance–narrower pathways for blood to flow through–which can lead to high blood pressure, he said. That may be because lonely people generally are more likely to feel stressed and threatened, emotions that increase vascular resistance because it means girding yourself for a fight.
Other experts have argued that loneliness is the leading cause of premature death, because lonely people engage in self-destructive behaviors like smoking, overeating and heavy drinking to get them through the day.
Lonely people also suffer in their careers, Cacioppo said. Studies have shown non-lonely people get higher raises and better promotions than their lonelier counterparts, in part because the latter can be more hostile and resistant to teamwork, he said.
There’s also evidence that loneliness runs in the family, with people “inheriting a susceptibility to feel lonely when they feel isolated,” Cacioppo said.
“I think we don’t understand the consequences of being lonely,” he said. “It will affect your health and happiness.”
[ A.E.R. ]Beating the blues
Feeling a bit lonesome? A little bored, perhaps? Whether you’re new to the city or have been here awhile, meeting friends and filling your social calendar takes work. Here are 10 ideas from RedEye staffers:
1. Volunteer. There are tons of places looking for help, from the Blind Service Association to the Anti-Cruelty Society to Literacy Chicago. Visit chicagocares.org or chicagovolunteer.net.
2. Take a class. Learn something that floats your boat–cooking at the Chopping Block, wine tasting at Bin 36, photography at the Chicago Photography Center, fiction writing at StoryStudio–and you’ll meet like-minded people.
3. Get a dog. Not only are pups good companions, they also give you an excuse to go to the dog park and strike up conversations with humans.
4. Train for the marathon, half-marathon, triathlon, etc. The training sessions are the ultimate bonding experience. Try the Chicago Area Runners Association at cararuns.org.
5. Take an improv class. There’s nothing like acting ridiculous to bring people together. Try Second City at secondcity.com or the iO Theater at iochicago.net.
6. Go to networking parties. The Museum of Contemporary Art holds a singles networking party on the first Friday of every month. Also see your alumni association and groups tailored to specific professions and ethnic groups.
7. Attend religious services or join a group. For example, the Archdiocese of Chicago has a Young Adult Ministry for men and women in their 20s and 30s.
8. Join a sports league. From kickball to basketball, teammates are handed to you. Visit chicagosportandsocialclub.com, playerssports.net, sportsmonster.net or for gay leagues, chicagomsa.com.
9. Join a social club. Their very purpose is to introduce you to people who like to do the same things as you. Some options: highlifeadventures.com, meetup.com, meetinchicago.org, singlesonthego.com, thesocialnetwork.com, socialmonster.com.
10. Accept invitations. Even if you think the party or dinner will be lame, you never know what friends you’ll meet.
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TELL US
Do you have a tip for beating loneliness? Share it with us at ritaredeye@tribune.com. Please include your full name, age and neighborhood.
aelejalderuiz@tribune.com
