You may wonder why we invite Adam Caldarelli of chicagosports.com to the panel each Thursday. The answer: With heat this bad, we’ll take all the AC we can get. Visit us at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
TOPIC 1: OZZIE GUILLEN IS ANNOYED BY SOME BODY LANGUAGE. GIVE YOUR BODY LANGUAGE A NAME.
Jimmy Greenfield: Oldish.
Phillip Thompson: When it looks like I’m asleep at meetings, that’s just the Power Napper.
Leo Ebersole: Translated, it means “Dances with trans fats.”
Adam Caldarelli: Izturisy.
Bag Boy: Delightfully spasmodic.
TOPIC 2: A PLAYER BLAMED LOWER SCORING AT COORS FIELD ON SOGGY BASEBALLS. ANY OTHER REASONS?
Jimmy Greenfield: Well, I just asked Mel Gibson, and he has this theory …
Phillip Thompson: If the baseballs were too soggy, next time soak them in Coors Light.
Leo Ebersole: Maybe the balls don’t like being –I’m being told by our lawyers to stop right there.
Adam Caldarelli: The Rockies’ lineup.
Bag Boy: The vast right-field conspiracy. “What is that?” you ask. AHA, YOU’RE ONE OF THEM!
TOPIC 3: IF YOU COULD SAY ONE THING TO JIM THOME’S BACK SPASMS, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Jimmy Greenfield: “Get off your ass and do something!”
Phillip Thompson: “Didn’t Jim tell you that it’s over between you two? You’re just embarrassing yourself now.”
Leo Ebersole: “Phil saves his muscle relaxers for unsuspecting bar patrons, but I’m sure he’d make an exception.”
Adam Caldarelli: “Hi, spasms. Have you met Justin Gatlin’s masseur?”
Bag Boy: “Go bother a Cub already.”
TOPIC 4: WITH GREG MADDUX GONE, WHAT ACTIVE FORMER CHICAGO ATHLETE DO YOU MOST WANT TO RETURN?
Jimmy Greenfield: Elton Brand. Bulls need him, and it puts an end to the dumbest trade in team history.
Phillip Thompson: Ron Artest. Can you imagine him and Ben Wallace in the same locker room? Awkward!
Leo Ebersole: I’ve got the fever, boys, and the only cure is more Jeromy Burnitz.
Adam Caldarelli: David Terrell. Oh, wait, you said active.
Bag Boy: Dwyane Wade. Do it, dooooo it.
TOPIC 5: LAY IT ON THE LINE: WILL THE WHITE SOX MAKE THE PLAYOFFS?
Jimmy Greenfield: Yes, they will. They will also lose in the first round to the New York Yankees.
Phillip Thompson: That’s a definite “yeahnope.”
Leo Ebersole: Yes. They’ve got the pitching. Or at least they had it.
Adam Caldarelli: OK, I’m laying it all on the line … maybe.
Bag Boy: Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. OK, final answer: Nyes. Ye-no. Sorry. Yes, they will. Unless …
