When RedEye reader Lyle Miller was just a little boy, he dreamed of being in Five on Five, which is really weird because Five on Five has only been around for two years. Visit us at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
TOPIC 1: THAT HEAD-BUTTING JOCKEY GOT A ONE-DAY SUSPENSION. WHAT’S THE HORSE’S REACTION?
Jimmy Greenfield: On the advice of counsel, the horse declined to whinny.
Phillip Thompson: The horse complained bitterly on “The View.” But why are there four of him?
Leo Ebersole: “I thought it was a little light, but–hey, waiter, what do you have to do to get some oats around here?”
Whizzer: He dumped all over the jockey. In the press, I mean he dumped on him in the press.
Lyle Miller: “You believe this crap? I’d be a friggin’ bottle of glue right now if I did that to him!”
TOPIC 2: KERRY WOOD OPTS FOR REHAB OVER SURGERY. IN YOUR LIFE, WHAT ARE YOU OPTING FOR?
Jimmy Greenfield: Straight French toast over the Grand Slam. I know, I know, but that’s me.
Phillip Thompson: Judging by my surroundings, I’d have to say the minors.
Leo Ebersole: I’m holding out hope that someday I’ll be replaced by Juan Mateo.
Whizzer: Elle McPherson over Elizabeth Hurley. And that answer took me seven hours to write.
Lyle Miller: White Sox over Cubs. Hell, I’d take the Bad News Bears over the Cubs right now.
TOPIC 3: GIVE US A SURPRISE RESULT ON FLOYD LANDIS’ NEW “B” SAMPLE TEST.
Jimmy Greenfield: Turns out he’s Maury Povich’s father.
Phillip Thompson: Congratulations Floyd, not only are you free and clear, but you’re having twins!
Leo Ebersole: He tests positive for Obsession by Calvin Klein.
Whizzer: He’s never been with Paris Hilton.
Lyle Miller: Negative for ‘roids but–damn!– he snorted Coke from the can? You’re supposed to drink it.
TOPIC 4: WORD ASSOCIATION TIME. I SAY “JOHN MADDEN.” YOU SAY . . .
Jimmy Greenfield: “107 years young.”
Phillip Thompson: “Ho!” “Madden!” “Ho!” “Madden!” “Ho!” When I say “Hip!” you say “Hop!” . . .
Leo Ebersole: . . . “Blah blah blah Brett Favre blah blah Tinactin blah blah blah turducken.”
Whizzer: “Girls Gone Wild.”
Lyle Miller: “On second thought, yeah, supersize it.” Can you repeat the question?
TOPIC 5: WHOM WILL YOU THANK IN YOUR HALL OF FAME INDUCTION SPEECH?
Jimmy Greenfield: Casey and Eli Greenfield. OK, your names are in print. Take it from here.
Phillip Thompson: Mr. James Earl Jones, who was such a positive role model in the “Star Wars” movies.
Leo Ebersole: Every sports writer who took my bribe.
Whizzer: Jimmy, Phil, Leo and Lyle. I’d rather be with them than with the finest people in the world.
Lyle Miller: Kat Victoria, Five on Five and Greg Maddux for beating the hell out of that water cooler.
