Ah, wedding season.
The bells are ringing, the bouquets are flying, the tears are falling.
And the credit card statements are flowing longer than a bride’s satiny train.
Wedding gift? That’ll be a hundred bucks.
Plane tickets? A few hundred more.
If you are in the wedding party, or the nuptials are happening in some exotic locale–as they increasingly are, thanks to the popularity of destination weddings–you could be out thousands of dollars.
And don’t forget the wedding showers and the bachelor and bachelorette parties. Not to mention the gifts you’re supposed to get for those too.
For inveterate wedding guests, typically twentysomethings with invitations stacked to the ceiling, bearing witness to so many happily-ever-afters can be an exhausting and expensive affair.
Take Elizabeth Miller. When the 24-year-old Lincoln Park resident dons her own bridal gown next summer, her biggest concern may not be cold feet, but tired feet that have already been squeezed into a few too many pairs of dyeable heels.
In addition to being a bride, Miller will be a bridesmaid four times next summer and a guest at three other weddings. A section of her closet is designated for bridesmaids’ dresses–each with matching shoes–that she doubts she’ll ever wear again.
“Some are very interesting colors,” she said diplomatically, confessing, when pressed, that one of the frocks is deep lavender.
Miller, a graduate student at the Adler School of Professional Psychology, said her friends understand that her multi-marriage madness means she’ll spend less on each of their gifts, and that she may have to take some time out to plan her own party. Still, she’s been to Crate & Barrel 10 times in the last month to shop for wedding gifts, and the customer service rep there knows her by name.
“My life is chaotic,” Miller said. “It’s almost like when it rains it pours.”
It’s also pouring for Dave Nacol, 26, who will have been to five weddings in three months by the time summer ends. He’s traveling to Dallas, Indianapolis, Houston, Philadelphia, and Door County, Wis., for the ceremonies and to New Orleans, Madison, Wis., and back to Houston for bachelor parties.
Luckily, Nacol has frequent flier miles to burn and the foresight to plan. Nacol, who lives in Andersonville and works at Northwestern University, negotiated a summer work schedule that allows him to work longer days in exchange for taking the occasional Friday off so that he doesn’t use all of his vacation time on his cross-country wedding spree.
“It gets kind of tiring,” Nacol said, “but the flip side is that you always have a good time, and it’s always good to see your friends again.”
Sometimes, however, the cost and commitment are too much.
Harvey Henao, 28, is a fan of going to friends’ weddings, estimating he spent about $1,000 attending five in the summer of 2003. But he had to decline an invitation to a college friend’s wedding in Cancun last year because he couldn’t get the time off from work or afford the $2,000 it would have cost for airfare and a hotel stay.
“I wanted to go, but it was pretty much impossible,” said Henao, a journalist who lives in Lincoln Park. “You can’t just pick up and go.”
But couples are increasingly asking their guests to do just that. More brides and grooms are jetting off to the Caribbean, Mexico, Hawaii and Europe for their ultimate wedding experience.
About 16 percent of couples now have such destination weddings, up 400 percent from 10 years ago, according to Millie Martini Bratten, editor-in-chief of Brides Magazine.
While destination weddings are costly for guests, they save money for newlyweds, Bratten said. The couple has a unique wedding with less fuss, they don’t have to travel any further for their honeymoon and they typically have fewer guests to feed. An average of 165 guests attend local weddings, while just 63 attend destination ceremonies.
“It can put guests in a bind, but on the other hand, most guests are traveling somewhere anyway,” Bratten said. “Still, the couple has to be aware that perhaps not everyone you want to be there can make it.”
Alison Phillips, a wedding consultant who runs Engaging Events by Ali from her Old Irving Park home, wouldn’t dream of shirking a good friend’s wedding, no matter how far away it is. Phillips has been budgeting for a two-week trip to South Africa to attend the wedding of a childhood friend next spring.
“I would go to Antarctica to go to a wedding,” Phillips said. “When you’re invited, they really want you to be there.”
Not necessarily, say Nelson Rodriguez and Natalie Sousa, San Francisco-based wedding photographers who have an Internet radio show called “Wedding Overload,” where they purport to tell the wedding experience like it really is.
People should be selective about which invitations they accept, saving themselves and the marrying couple the expense, Rodriguez said. There are always too many “mystery guests” lingering about, he said.
“It becomes almost like an arms race where both the guest and bride and groom are inviting people only out of obligation,” Rodriguez said. “No one really cares that you’re there, and you don’t care that you’re there.”
And when it’s a good friend or a family member putting a strain on your wallet?
Bratten said guests have to be honest about the time and money they can commit. If you can come without bearing gifts, so be it, she said.
As Henao put it, “You being there will mean more to them than a crockpot.”
EASE YOUR PAIN
The perennial wedding guest doesn’t have to suffer, according to nuptial vets. The marrying couple and the guests themselves can take steps to minimize the financial blow to attendees.
The guest
– Women, if you know you’re going to be attending a lot of weddings, don’t expect to buy a new dress for each one. Get one cute black dress to wear to all of them and then accessorize. “This time pink shoes, next time blue,” suggests Chicago wedding consultant Alison Phillips.
– Men, wear the same suit–one you already own–to all weddings, says Dave Nacol, who will have been to five this year by the time summer’s over.
– Don’t be afraid to get gifts from the registry–and get only what you can afford. “Somewhere between a spatula and a sound system, there should be something for everyone,” said Millie Martini Bratten, editor-in-chief of Brides Magazine.
– Consider going in on a group gift, especially if you’re in a wedding party. Each person spends less, and the gift is more impressive, says Kathleen Murray of The Knot.
– Get creative with gifts if you’re close enough to the couple to know what they like. For example, give a laminated book of your favorite recipes, Murray said.
– If you’re invited to multiple wedding showers, you only have to bring a gift to one. Gifts for bachelor and bachelorette parties are not necessary.
– If you’re asked to be in the wedding party but can’t make that financial or time commitment, then offer to do something else that’s special, like a reading or singing a song, Bratten said.
– If you can’t afford to travel to the wedding, politely decline by the RSVP date. If you can’t afford to send a gift in lieu of your presence, send a congratulatory card.
The bride and groom
– Reduce the cost of the hotel rooms. Get a block of rooms and negotiate a better rate, or find a less expensive hotel near the main wedding hotel to give guests an alternative.
– Pair up single friends who could room together.
– Get airline discounts for wedding guests. Some airlines offer group discounts for parties of 10 or more. American Airlines’ Wedding Event Travel Program, for example, allows couples to set up an account where guests can use their discount code to get 5 percent off the lowest applicable fare to the wedding destination, according to a program representative.
– If you’re having a destination wedding that is expensive to get to, consider letting guests know that gifts aren’t necessary.
– Don’t have too many wedding showers. They are expensive to throw, take time to attend and require guests–particularly members of your wedding party–to come up with more gifts. “Once you hit more than three, I’m sorry, but it becomes almost more a job than an exciting event,” said Miller, who has known some people who have had seven showers.
– Register for the honeymoon in addition to–or instead of–the regular registry. That way, guests have the option of giving the couple a more intimate, “experiential” gift they can enjoy on their honeymoon, like dinner at a restaurant by the sea or a ride on an elephant, Bratten said.
– Choose bridesmaids dresses that your friends might be able to wear again. – – –
Congrats! You’ll be paying a ton
So you’ve been invited to a wedding.
Now how much is it going to cost you? It depends, of course, on whether you’re in the wedding party, how chi-chi the reception is and if you have to travel to the big event.
Kathleen Murray, deputy editor of the wedding Web site The Knot, offers some averages.
If you’re a guest at a wedding, expect to pay:
$400-$800
– Wedding gift: $100-$150
– Engagement gift: $50-$75
– Shower gift: $50-$75
– Miscellaneous expenses (travel, a new dress, etc.): $200
– Airfare (if out of town): $250
– Hotel: $200 per night
If you’re in the wedding party, expect to pay:
$700-$1,200
– Throwing the shower: $100-$200
– Throwing the bachelor/bachelorette party: $100-$250
– Tuxedo rental: $100
– Bridesmaid dress: $200
– Shoes/jewelry: $50-$75
– Hair and makeup: $75
– Alterations: $100
– Wedding, engagement and shower gifts: $250
NOTE: While men tend to spend less getting gussied up, they typically make up for it in the bachelor party.
If it’s a destination wedding, expect to pay:
$1,500 if you’re a guest
$3,000 if you’re in the party
– Airfare: $500-$1,000
– Hotel: $200 per night
– Misc. costs (getting to and from airport, activities): $200
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aelejalderuiz@tribune.com
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BY THE NUMBERS
Here’s a glimpse of the state of the American wedding in 2006.
27: average age of a bride
29: average age of a groom
2.3 million: weddings that will be held nationally this year
44,230: weddings held every weekend
23 million: number of bridesmaids and groomsmen
380 million: wedding guests
$27,852: average amount spent to throw a wedding
16: percent of couples who have destination weddings
55: percent of destination weddings held in the continental U.S.
[ Source: American Wedding Study 2006, conducted by the Conde Nast Bridal Group, publisher of Brides Magazine, Modern Bride and Elegant Bride ]
