TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: Do you believe the Bears when they say Rex Grossman is the starter?
Jimmy Greenfield: Yes, but I also believed Anna Nicole Smith when she said she loved the old coot.
Phillip Thompson: They meant “appetizer,” like that chicken bathed in Jack Daniel’s. Actually, that’d be Kyle Orton.
Leo Ebersole: Yes, just like I believed the tow truck would leave my car alone if I left the hazard lights blinking.
Brian Moore: Sure, he’s the starter “for now.” But “for now” might not last that long.
Bag Boy: I believe it. I also believe I’ll have another bloody mary since it’s going to be a long season.
TOPIC 2: The PGA Championship leaves town. How will our lives be different?
Jimmy Greenfield: Sergio will say he’ll call, but he won’t call.
Phillip Thompson: We can now cut our lawns to a 2-inch rough without fear of international sanctions.
Leo Ebersole: My “Luke Donald for Prime Minister” shirt loses a bit of its charm–but only a bit.
Brian Moore: Mine, unfortunately, will continue to be the meaningless one that it is.
Combined with periodic spraying, the infestation of golf shirts in our area drops 80 percent.
TOPIC 3: Can anything keep the U.S. from winning the basketball world championship?
Jimmy Greenfield: Whatever it is, Liev Schreiber will be narrating the documentary about it in 20 years.
Phillip Thompson: No, it’s not like we have any spies. None whatso … who is this Krzyzewski?
Leo Ebersole: A cameo by Rasheed Wallace.
Brian Moore: Don’t get too cocky, there, Mr. Questioner. That could be our undoing.
Bag Boy: Nope. We own the hoops trophies, the rest of you can bicker over the World Cup.
TOPIC 4: Bag Boy attended Friday’s Bears game without the bag. Why?
Jimmy Greenfield: Inexplicably, the last time he went to the store he chose plastic.
Phillip Thompson: He can’t be in close quarters with himself. Can we get some more wind at Soldier Field, please?
Leo Ebersole: There’s a No. 1 bag controversy in Bag Boy camp. Plastic’s been putting on a show in practice.
Brian Moore: It was a preseason game, so no one was there to see him.
Bag Boy: I used it to put a flaming bag of dog poop on Question Guy’s doorstep. Creep.
TOPIC 5: How does T.O.’s situation in Dallas wind up?
Jimmy Greenfield: With T.O. changing his initials to S.O.B. and being chased by the FBI, ASAP.
Phillip Thompson: The Cowboys beat The Damned in Hell Bowl I. T.O. demands more hot pokers in his contract.
Leo Ebersole: He and Parcells go an entire season speaking to each other through the media. Brilliant.
Brian Moore: He’ll be out by Week 7.
Bag Boy: Remember last season in Philly? Like that but with a bigger mushroom cloud. We never learn.
