TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: Can you help Lemont advance in the Little League World Series?
Jimmy Greenfield: “Boys, if you lose, ESPN will catch you crying, and your friends will tease you. Now go get ’em.”
Phillip Thompson: Too young to distract their rivals with bourbon and hookers. How about Capri Sun and Girl Scouts?
Leo Ebersole: That depends. You got a bottle of cola-flavored testosterone and a fast car?
Bag Boy: If I could, I’d bet on them. But I haven’t heard a thing. And I’d never wager. That’s illegal.
Stick Figure: It’s a beautiful day outside.
Miss Winters, may we hold class outside today?
TOPIC 2: Describe how you might pitch to a 6-foot-8 Little Leaguer?
Jimmy Greenfield: I’d throw at his pimples.
Phillip Thompson: He was listed as 6-foot-5 last year! So toss a brush-back pitch–aim for the stubble, THEN RUN!
Leo Ebersole: I’d try to get in his head–maybe by pitching him a role in a buddy comedy with Jimmy Fallon.
Bag Boy: Mess with his mind. Before the first pitch, I’d tell him he’s been traded by his parents.
Stick Figure: See, I was told there would be no math questions on this exam.
TOPIC 3: Who does Tiger Woods compare to?
Jimmy Greenfield: Leo, but without the money, talent, hot wife or desire to achieve greatness.
Phillip Thompson: He’s like the Jeff Gordon of male athletes.
Leo Ebersole: Like Phil during an episode of “My Super Sweet 16,” he’s in his own world.
Bag Boy: The actor who played Tank in “The Matrix.” Spitting image, it’s amazing.
Stick Figure: “If you go out to the woods today, you better not go alone.” C’mon, everybody SING!
TOPIC 4: Give us one tip on how to spot a Phillies fan in Chicago?
Jimmy Greenfield: They order a Due’s pizza, but instead of eating it they taunt it and throw their beer at it.
Phillip Thompson: To spot Philadelphians, you have to inspect their jerseys closely to see if it’s sewn into their skin.
Leo Ebersole: Look for a mustache, an Iverson jersey and an apparent disdain for bathing.
Bag Boy: They’re the ones heckling Lake Michigan for not being “salty enough.”
Stick Figure: Chicago? Vote early and often!
If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes! Da Bears …
TOPIC 5: Without having seen it, rate this new football movie ‘Invincible.’
Jimmy Greenfield: 2 1/2 stars, same as when it was released two years ago as a baseball movie called “The Rookie.”
Phillip Thompson: It’s about the Eagles, isn’t it? So it gets an automatic “E,” and not for “effort.”
Leo Ebersole: I’m sorry, but if I talk about Philly any more I’m gonna have a seizure.
Bag Boy: I felt the part about the Eagles being losers was portrayed with wonderful accuracy.
Stick Figure: Spoiler alert: Milk and cookies go great together. Pass it on.
