TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: Is there any danger in sports networks airing high school football games?
Jimmy Greenfield: Only if they keep up the cheerleader “money” shots.
Phillip Thompson: Horrible half-time show: “When we come back, Leo will try to unstuff himself from a locker.”
Leo Ebersole: Probably not, but it’s best we don’t give Ricky Williams’ agent any ideas.
Mike North: That might be the best football we see in Chicago all year.
Bag Boy: It sparks a sharp rise in 11th graders holding out for more money.
TOPIC 2: Any ideas on how Thomas Jones vs. Cedric Benson ends?
Jimmy Greenfield: Jones gets traded to the Phillies for Aaron Rowand.
Phillip Thompson: Dr. Phil will resolve your issues. Cedric, I need you to find your “authentic self” on the bench.
Leo Ebersole: Thomas lands the plane after Cedric ejects all the snakes. Wait, wrong ending.
Mike North: Benson retires to buy an island with the $17 million from the Bears.
Bag Boy: Both hold their breath until they’re named the starter. Winner starts game 1.
TOPIC 3: How would you discipline the Little Leaguer caught swearing on ESPN?
Jimmy Greenfield: By requiring the boy to give Tony Kornheiser his 11 a.m. feeding of fish heads.
Phillip Thompson: Ask his coach. He wasn’t so much smacking him as trying to knock the bad words out of his head.
Leo Ebersole: Sign him up for the next “Real World.”
Mike North: Is washing someone’s mouth out with soap still in vogue?
Bag Boy: Let him host the Emmys.
TOPIC 4: Toronto’s manager argued with a player on the field. What started it?
Jimmy Greenfield: The manager insisted the player bunt, while the player insisted pitchers can’t do that.
Phillip Thompson: Tort law? Who cares? Break out the oversized boxing gloves, and let’s get down with the get-down!
Leo Ebersole: I’m 0.5 percent sure it was differing opinions on America’s role in the Middle East.
Mike North: The pitcher Ted Lilly was really, really bad.
Bag Boy: One of them had garlic breath. Look, these things happen. Pop a breath mint and move on.
TOPIC 5: What’s the overall impact of Madden ’07 being released?
Jimmy Greenfield: The average amount of daily leisure time among Americans increases by 2 hours, 42 minutes.
Phillip Thompson: It’s huge. By the time we get to Madden ’08, it won’t be a game but a presidential campaign.
Leo Ebersole: The decent chance that I lose contact with the outside world.
Mike North: More people eating and not exercising, and getting really fat.
Bag Boy: We won’t see Leo for days. Why didn’t we think of this earlier?
———-
E-mail the crew at redeyesports@tribune.com.
