No one here competed in Sunday’s Chicago triathlon. Stick Figure tried, but he was last seen bobbing up and down in his water wings and headed toward Michigan. Visit redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive
TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: The Minnesota Twins’ three-day stay in Chicago was …
Jimmy Greenfield: … proof the White Sox will be watching from the couch in October.
Phillip Thompson: It’s been just wonderful having them, like a weekend vacation in Guantanamo Bay.
Brian Moore: … the nail in the coffin for this Sox season. THEY GONE!
Bag Boy: … yet another reason why we must close down Illinois’ borders.
Stick Figure: … sunny, little breezy, three days long, awfully humid …
TOPIC 2: Why did the Bears have so many false start penalties Friday?
Jimmy Greenfield: They weren’t aware of NFL’s preseason “Simon Says” experiment.
Phillip Thompson: Let’s not assume they jumped early. I think they were blocking for the previous play.
Brian Moore: With this Bears team, you’d be trying to get out of there as quick as possible too.
Bag Boy: Maybe the Bears had their clocks set on Detroit Lions time.
Stick Figure: That’s a silly question. It’s not Friday. I think someone needs a nap.
TOPIC 3: How confident should Bears fans be in the Bears offense so far?
Jimmy Greenfield: Very, very confident. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to buy Cubs playoff tickets.
Phillip Thompson: So confident that we should commission a new Super Bowl Shuffle rap. As written by K-Fed.
Brian Moore: On my overreaction meter, we’re at “Remember the good ol’ days when Kyle Orton was QB.”
Bag Boy: C’mon, relax. It’s the preseason. IN CASE YOU MISSED IT, I’M BEING SARCASTIC!
Stick Figure: I once saw Bear at the zoo. He was a talking bear, and no one could hear him but me.
TOPIC 4: So Pluto isn’t in the planet club. Can any sports names fill Pluto’s void?
Jimmy Greenfield: A Steroid. Get it? No? Say it real fast. Ah, there you go.
Phillip Thompson: At last we know the real reason Mrs. Haslem came up with “Udonis.”
Brian Moore: Sammy Sosa’s head should do the trick.
Bag Boy: Float in silent orbit millions of miles from earth? Hands down, Terrell Owens.
Stick Figure: I don’t understand. Did Mickey have to put him down?
TOPIC 5: He makes the Emmys work. Now put Conan O’Brien in a sports-related job.
Jimmy Greenfield: The Masturbating Bear Punter.
Phillip Thompson: Pro athlete heckler. Bag Boy, uh, see me in my office and bring your playbook.
Brian Moore: “MNF” announcer. With Tony Kornheiser considered the savior, you know it’s gonna stink.
Bag Boy: Right now, I’d like to see him manage the Minnesota Twins. Unbelievable.
Stick Figure: Yay, M&M’s!
