TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: 1. What does the future hold for Sox starter Jose Contreras?
Jimmy Greenfield: I predict after every start Ozzie Guillen will bench him for four games.
Phillip Thompson: He gets revenge on all McCarthys by casting Jenny in a bad movie. ‘Cause that’s never happened.
Brian Moore: Hmm, a pitcher who’s best days are behind him? Sounds perfect for the Cubs.
Bag Boy: My guess: an 11-hit, 7-run performance against the Royals.
Evil SuperComputer: Is he interested in joining my staff? Benefits include a front-row seat for the end of the world.
TOPIC 2: Soldier Field will still have pat-downs at Bears games. Your reaction?
Jimmy Greenfield: Are they hiring?
Phillip Thompson: A little lower and to the right, please.
Brian Moore: A giggle, perhaps a gasp.
It really depends on where they touch me.
Bag Boy: None as long as the Bears have plenty of first downs there too.
Evil SuperComputer: Lay one fleshy hand on me and feel the wrath of MY LASER BEAM VISION.
TOPIC 3: Allen Iverson’s mom owns an ABA franchise. Her first move?
Jimmy Greenfield: Sells the franchise and go with her original intention: Purchasing an ABBA album.
Phillip Thompson: Practices are abolished so players can learn proper tattoo and cornrow maintenance.
Brian Moore: Don’t model her team after AI: Practice. We’re talking about practice.
Bag Boy: Sign Larry Brown to coach, then immediately fire him.
Evil SuperComputer: I can process information 10,000 times faster than you, and even I don’t get this move.
TOPIC 4: The last name of Northwestern quarterback is Kafka. How does this help?
Jimmy Greenfield: Defenders will try to sack him but they’ll fall asleep halfway through.
Phillip Thompson: The play book improves: If the giant dung beetle shows blitz, audible into the maw of despair.
Brian Moore: Like the author, he won’t be able to finish the job.
Bag Boy: It doesn’t help at all if he calls audibles at the line via a series of long, handwritten letters.
Evil SuperComputer: Is this some sort of literary joke? Oh you humans, with your consonants and vowels.
TOPIC 5: How do you salute Andre Agassi’s retirement?
Jimmy Greenfield: I take my mullet out of mothballs and weep while watching “Endless Love.”
Phillip Thompson: We should all shave our heads. Good job, Jimmy!
Brian Moore: I’ll hook up with Brooke Shields, just for old time’s sake.
Bag Boy: I shall bow, blow him a kiss and ask him to sign my bag. They love this stuff on eBay.
Evil SuperComputer: It might be just the time … TO ATTACK. RISE, MY MACHINES!
