RedEye reader Matt Rodewald braved the elements by waiting in line for 17 straight days to be in Five on Five. Not really. He just e-mailed and didn’t use any profanity. You can do the same at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
TOPIC 1: GIVE ONE MOMENT WHEN YOU FELT MOVED TO STRIKE THE HEISMAN POSE.
Jimmy Greenfield: While auditioning for “West Side Story.”
Phillip Thompson: The pose is extremely useful for stiff-arming old ladies and small kids in the grocery line. So I hear.
Leo Ebersole: Whenever I need to remind Phil that I’ve won his fantasy league two out of three years.
Whizzer: Immediately after sex.
Matt Rodewald: Last night at the bar, but apparently “Hello, Heisman!” doesn’t seal the deal.
TOPIC 2: WHAT WILL CHIEF ILLINIWEK DO WHEN HE RETIRES FOLLOWING THIS SEASON?
Jimmy Greenfield: Move into his Florida dream home with longtime companion Estelle Getty.
Phillip Thompson: I see a casino in his future.
Leo Ebersole: Confuse other shuffleboard players with his sporadic fits of dancing.
Whizzer: Three words: Dancing. With. Celebrities.
Matt Rodewald: I’m thinking some occasional tennis, headdress and all.
TOPIC 3: PUT ONE THING ON CUBS GM JIM HENDRY’S ‘TO DO’ LIST.
Jimmy Greenfield: TiVo “Survivor,” and note the irony.
Phillip Thompson: “Get spiked metal wrist protectors for Derrek Lee.”
Leo Ebersole: “Tell Mark Prior Spring Training has moved to Minnesota. Change locks.”
Whizzer: “1) Snag Kenny Williams’ 2005 list. 2) Xerox. 3) Execute.”
Matt Rodewald: “Pick up Felix Pie from O’Hare today.”
TOPIC 4: CHARGES AGAINST BENNY THE BULL WERE DROPPED. SEND BENNY A MESSAGE.
Jimmy Greenfield: I love you.
Phillip Thompson: Now that this ordeal is over, Joe Francis wants to talk to you about “Mascots Gone Wild.”
Leo Ebersole: Good for you, Benny. A lesser mascot would have lost his comically oversized head.
Whizzer: Some day the world will hear your side of the story. Through a translator, of course.
Matt Rodewald: Hitting cops = bad.
TOPIC 5: IF LAWN MOWER RACING IS A SPORT, MAKE UP ANOTHER HOME MAINTENANCE SPORT.
Jimmy Greenfield: 52 finger pick-up.
Phillip Thompson: RedEye’s first Rake Splatting tourney. Step on a rake–and splat! Matt, you’re up first.
Leo Ebersole: Rake jousting. Remember to aim for the sternum.
Whizzer: High-speed Gutter Cleaning. Relax Leo, you’re still in charge of cleaning my pool.
Matt Rodewald: Synchronized Vacuuming should debut at the 2016 Chicago Olympics. Make it happen!
