TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: How in the hell did Stick Figure wind up on the reader side of this battle?
Jimmy Greenfield: Let’s see … Jimmy, Phil, Leo and Whizzer OR Andrea and Sara. Stick may not be so dumb after all.
Phillip Thompson: You know how magnets are attracted to each other? Empty heads work the same way.
Leo Ebersole: Clearly Stick disobeyed my warning about taking candy from anyone named “Chad.”
Whizzer: I told him there was a magical unicorn on Page 25, and I like the extra room. I can put my feet up.
Christian Cuba: Are you sure it’s Stick Figure? Kinda looks like George Ryan after a 6 1/2-year federal diet plan.
Chad Phillips: I think Whizzer must have had pork n’ beans for breakfast.
Andrea Wright: Never underestimate the power of feminine wiles!
Sara O’Fallon: She was tired of Phil always staring at her like that.
Stick Figure: I’m sorry, but I can’t talk to strangers. Unless you have candy!
TOPIC 2: Does being a fantasy football owner make a person sexier or less sexy, and why?
Jimmy Greenfield: All rests on if you’ve got your sexy back.
Phillip Thompson: Sexier! Ah yeah, girl, I’m in two 12-team leagues, baby. That’s right, 12. Sho’ you right.
Leo Ebersole: Only one thing makes a fantasy owner sexier, and it’s a pitcher of beer. OK, 41/2 things.
Whizzer: Oh, no question. Spending all your time on the Web NOT looking at porn? Big bonus points.
Christian Cuba: Definitely less sexy! Unless you wear a blue cap. I’M LOOKING AT YOU WHIZZER! Call me.
Chad Phillips: In my case, sexier. In Leo’s case, not so much.
Andrea Wright: Hmm … can he cook? Well?
This alone should determine it.
Sara O’Fallon: It depends on whether the owner is drafting from a room in his mother’s basement. That’s hot.
Stick Figure: I was going to leave a trail of breadcrumbs so I can get back home, but I ate them.
TOPIC 3: Jimmy’s going to the Bears game in Green Bay. Send him off with one appropriate gift.
Jimmy Greenfield: Please keep in mind I’ve already got a trunk full of nachos.
Phillip Thompson: A copy of “Deliverance” I found in the Green Bay Public Library under “Instruction Manuals.”
Leo Ebersole: A defibrilator. If the Bears’ passing game doesn’t need it, a few thousand Packers fans will.
Whizzer: I’m going with “Leo tied to the hood of his car.”
Christian Cuba: Give him a gift? He’s a stranger. You’re all shameless–except Whizzer. Seriously, call me.
Chad Phillips: A Vintage 1982 Merlot, to go with the cheese he will obviously be surrounded by.
Andrea Wright: Why, the shirt off my back. Can you read it? It says BEARS!
Sara O’Fallon: One “Get Out of Jail Free” card for the ticket he’ll get going up I-94.
Stick Figure: Nothing smells sweeter than a rose, except yummy popcorn.
Or rose-flavored popcorn.
TOPIC 4: Brett Favre’s 99.9 percent sure he retires a Packer. What are you 99.9 percent sure of?
Jimmy Greenfield: Rex Grossman will never be as good as Brian Griese already is.
Phillip Thompson: That Brett plays likes he’s 99.9 percent retired already.
Leo Ebersole: That Jimmy will retire with panty hose on.
Whizzer: That I’m holding a winning ticket to this week’s lottery.
One shot … goodbye!
Christian Cuba: Brett retires midseason to star in “There’s Something About Mary 2: Fav-ruh’s Revenge.”
Chad Phillips: That my answers are the funniest on the page … or at least funnier than Phil’s.
Andrea Wright: I’ll publish my first novel “Her Essence” in 2007. Oh, you meant sports? Sorry, out of space.
Sara O’Fallon: I’ll cry and stop waking up in cold sweats the night before Bears-Packers games when he does.
Stick Figure: Sara, Andrea, Chad and Christian. Let’s start a band like Abba. I CALL TAMBOURINE!
TOPIC 5: What imaginary sports service do you wish TiVo served up through your TV?
Jimmy Greenfield: Classic Beer Network. Relive all the beer you ever drank while watching sports.
Phillip Thompson: SeasonPissed. A low-light reel of how your favorite team blew the season.
Leo Ebersole: Running color commentary from Bill Raftery. On every game.
Whizzer: Hit a special button, and a team of squirrels pops out and re-enacts today’s sports highlights.
Christian Cuba: Naked singles tennis. Just me and a certain sexy canine. The score will always be LOVE ALL.
Chad Phillips: Fantasy Knitting w/Leo, Phil and Jimmy. This week, “Latch and Hook … is it still a viable form?”
Andrea Wright: TiVo alerts me on all reviewable NFL instant replays, and “AndiesEyes” makes the call.
Sara O’Fallon: The ability to pause and zoom in when burned players make the “He Hate Me” face. Pure. Hilarity.
Stick Figure: So, um, where’s the magical unicorn?
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