TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: Can you imagine one thing Jimmy did at the Bears-Packers game?
Jimmy’s Empty Office Chair: Is this true? He … he sits with another? I (sniff) feel so … I feel so unused.
Phillip Thompson: Had his legs and back waxed. That’s more a wish list sent to me from his wife.
Leo Ebersole: Threw his back out celebrating the first TD, then watched from Cedric Benson’s old chair.
Brian Moore: He answered everyone as if he were really here: “Bourbon & hookers, I’m bald, Cubs suck …”
Bag Boy: Safe bet: He ate too much and rented a flatbed truck to haul him home.
TOPIC 2: What was the biggest eye-opener this NFL weekend?
Jimmy’s Empty Office Chair: I haven’t had a good angle on the newsroom TV in years. How did my Baltimore Colts do?
Phillip Thompson: I don’t think Jeff Wilkins kicked enough field goals. Mike Martz is somewhere cackling.
Leo Ebersole: Jacksonville’s mascot passing up a chance to sack Jimmy Johnson on Fox’s pregame show.
Brian Moore: Steelers QB Charlie Batch had one of the best games of the weekend. Ben who?
Bag Boy: L.A. still doesn’t have a team. C’mon, the Packers are available and willing.
TOPIC 3: Help Northwestern cope after losing at home to New Hampshire?
Jimmy’s Empty Office Chair: Think of it this way: New Hampshire had a long flight home in uncomfy chairs.
Phillip Thompson: New Hampshire has a team? Aren’t they too busy signing the Declaration of Independence?
Leo Ebersole: Just make sure you get revenge on Div. I-AA school programs by beating Illinois.
Brian Moore: Cheer up, it’ll be better come basketball season.
Bag Boy: In the dead of night and with no formal announcement, the school drops to Division II.
TOPIC 4: How close is this amazing race in the AL Central?
Jimmy’s Empty Office Chair: It’s like “Musical chairs.” Three teams, two spots and lots of elbows!
Phillip Thompson: Too close. Uncomfortably close. Like “Donny-and-Marie-will-they-or-won’t-they?” close.
Leo Ebersole: Closer than the NU-New Hampshire game. Excuse me while I dunk my head in clam chowder.
Brian Moore: So close, I’m on the edge … oh, forget it. It excites me about as much as the Bears’ offense.
Bag Boy: According to my cardiologist, way too close for me to watch. But just try to stop me.
TOPIC 5: If Cubs announcer Bob Brenly became Cubs manager Bob Brenly …
Jimmy’s Empty Office Chair: … he’d have a much better seat for the games.
Phillip Thompson: … I’d like to see Dusty Baker in the booth, talking through his toothpick for three hours.
Leo Ebersole: … then the three-week military campaign to install Bag Boy as his replacement begins.
Brian Moore: … he’d spend half the season looking for the slow-motionbutton.
Bag Boy: … he could criticize himself and then complain about it.
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