TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: dick jauron helped draft rex grossman. Do your best to console him.
Jimmy’s empty chair: You want something to cry about? Try Bean Dip Thursdays.
Phillip Thompson: To be fair, you once dreamed of Rex putting up 40 points. Well there you go.
Leo Ebersole: It’s like seeing your ex step out of Colin Farrell’s limo. You want consolation? Try group therapy.
Brian Moore: It could have been worse. It could have been Kyle Orton.
Bag Boy: Look at it this way: You drafted Michael Haynes before him, and he never did anything.
TOPIC 2: Leo’s a yankees and northwestern fan. Do your best to console him.
Jimmy’s empty chair: Leo, you just have to lift yourself up. It’s the second button under the arm rest.
Phillip Thompson: I hear the Washington Generals are looking to add to their fan base.
Leo Ebersole: We talked about this in group. Everyone agreed I should dunk my head in a tub of acid.
Brian Moore: Hey, at least you’re still the fourth funniest non-bag-wearing Five on Five writer.
Bag Boy: So I guess that makes you a Poindexter in pinstripes. I don’t do consolation.
TOPIC 3: the nba’s clippers got skunked by a russian team. what does this mean?
Jimmy’s empty chair: All of these NBA players belong on The Bench. That hack.
Phillip Thompson: The NBA’s ship is sinking in international waters.
Leo Ebersole: The Knicks are locking in on next year’s No. 1 pick: a dancing bear from the Moscow circus.
Brian Moore: A new Cold War.
Bag Boy: The NBA will get a lot more foreign players. I might have to learn the alphabet.
TOPIC 4: what’s a celebrity fantasy league?
Jimmy’s empty chair: For me, it’s a musical chairs tournament with the Pussycat Dolls.
Phillip Thompson: It’s where (cough, T.O.) a player fantasizes he’s (cough, T.O) a bigger star than the league.
Leo Ebersole: A place where Phil can obsess about Hilary Duff with minimal attention from the Feds.
Brian Moore: A sad example of this country’s celebrity obsession. (Anyone wanna trade me Angelina Jolie?)
Bag Boy: Counting how many times a linebacker can tackle Nick Lachey with a 10-yard head-start.
TOPIC 5: what makes something a ‘sad failure’ in sports?
Jimmy’s empty chair: That these so-called team “chairmen” know nothing about proper seat care.
Phillip Thompson: Letting Magic Johnson do any kind of commentary.
Leo Ebersole: Apparently, if I’m rooting for you, you’re halfway there.
Brian Moore: One team’s “sad failure” is the rest of America’s “you get what you overpay for.”
Bag Boy: Putting the word “Cubs” in front of it.
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