TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: Answer this question: I will be disappointed if the Bears don’t …
Jimmy Greenfield: First of all, that’s not a question. Second of all, … win the Super Bowl.
Phillip Thompson: … score at least twice on defense. You know, for the good of the team. Not selfish fantasy reasons, no.
Leo Ebersole: … have their Tuesday tee times scheduled by the end of the third quarter.
Brian Moore: Lose to the Miami Dolphins, just like they did during their Super Bowl run in 1985.
Bag Boy: … beat the Cardinals by 30 on Monday night. I’ll have my revenge at last, Denny Green.
TOPIC 2: What gift do you give an ex-basketball coach on his 96th birthday?
Jimmy Greenfield: A lifetime membership to the Jelly of the Month club.
Phillip Thompson: A saucy young minx like Queen Elizabeth.
Leo Ebersole: WD-40. Great for rusty hinges around your house or on your body.
Brian Moore: The peach basket he used to invent the game.
Bag Boy: Oxygen.
TOPIC 3: The Detroit Tigers. The World Series. What is going on?
Jimmy Greenfield: Why are you surprised? They drafted well, spent big money and, of course, have Neifi Perez.
Phillip Thompson: It’s Phase III of the Magglio Ordonez-Frank Thomas Dump On Ken Williams Tour.
Leo Ebersole: In true Detroit fashion, their hairstyles proved too hideous to compete against.
Brian Moore: Well, in this game called baseball, the best team often wins. Shocking, I know.
Bag Boy: Isn’t it obvious? God loves Detroit, ergo He hates me.
TOPIC 4: Terrell Owens scored three touchdowns on Sunday. What will he do on Monday?
Jimmy Greenfield: Retire. Please. Seriously. What an ass.
Phillip Thompson: Announce to the world that he proposed to himself–and that he accepted.
Leo Ebersole: Punch Drew Bledsoe.
Brian Moore: Complain that he should have caught four, maybe five.
Bag Boy: Digitally alter the Texans players to look like Eagles on the game film.
TOPIC 5: Jimmy says it doesn’t matter who the Cubs hire as manager. Is he right?
Jimmy Greenfield: Jimmy does not matter because he sometimes writes about himself in the third person.
Phillip Thompson: No. I have something to tell you, Jimmy. You were adopted, and your last name is McPhail.
Leo Ebersole: Jimmy’s never right. But, to be fair, I don’t know enough about dance to argue with his ballet reviews.
Brian Moore: Of course not. It matters to Cubs bigwigs. They’ve got to have someone to blame for their failing.
Bag Boy: Jimmy is a Cubs fan, so “right” isn’t even in his vocabulary.
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