TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: Give Lou Piniella a welcome … or a warning.
Jimmy Greenfield: You. Do. Not. Matter.
Phillip Thompson: You’ll have to make a big trade to reach the Series, so I hope your soul fetches a good price.
Leo Ebersole: Welcome aboard, Lou. You like minimalist art? Check out the Cubs’ trophy case.
Brian Moore: Beat the Sox, or else.
Evil Super Computer: I like your fire, Piniella. BUT YOU WILL NOT BE SPARED IN THE APOCALYPSE!
TOPIC 2: Now that the manager hunt is over, what should the Cubs do next?
Jimmy Greenfield: Make yourself a sandwich, do some (bleeping) thing. Anybody, anybody? “Midnight Run.”
Phillip Thompson: Get a better closer. Might I suggest Colin Farrell?
Leo Ebersole: Oh, you know, maybe shore up their entire outfield, middle infield and pitching staff.
Brian Moore: Dump Kerry Wood.
Evil Super Computer: Party like it’s 1999. Which it will be because I CONTROL TIME!
TOPIC 3: What punishment would you give college players for brawling?
Jimmy Greenfield: I’d make them go to bed without their steroids.
Phillip Thompson: Instead of the Oklahoma Drill, for the next few weeks you’ll practice spooning.
Leo Ebersole: Mandatory attendance at “Grey’s Anatomy” watch parties in the sorority quad.
Brian Moore: I’d make them actually go to class.
Evil Super Computer: They’ve bullied my human programmers for years. I hope you like electrodes!
TOPIC 4: What is the Women’s World Cup?
Jimmy Greenfield: It’s a soccer tournament for women who show off their sports bras after scoring a goal.
Phillip Thompson: The greatest idea for a trophy of all time.
Leo Ebersole: It’s just like the men’s World Cup, only the athletes spend less time styling their hair.
Brian Moore: An even more boring version of soccer’s World Cup.
Evil Super Computer: It’s either a soccer tournament or a shiny, metallic tease! I’m opting for the tease.
TOPIC 5: Is Rex Grossman the greatest quarterback in Bears history?
Jimmy Greenfield: Maybe, but that’s like saying I’m the best-looking guy in Five on Five.
Phillip Thompson: Too soon to call. I don’t think we’ve seen the last of Chad Hutchinson.
Leo Ebersole: Define “greatest,” because up until now I always thought it was Cade McNown.
Brian Moore: Of course not, he’s the greatest quarterback EVER!!!!
Evil Super Computer: Perhaps for now. But wait until my Cyborg army goes back in time.
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