TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: What was the substance on Kenny Rogers’ hand?
Jimmy Greenfield: Oven-roasted chicken.
Phillip Thompson: I’m stumped. If it were Bobby Jenks, I’d go with gravy.
Leo Ebersole: Seeing as he was pitching in Detroit, I’m going with “cockroach remains.”
Whizzer: Definitely pine tar. Or butterscotch. I could go either way.
Bag Boy: The pulverized remnants of Sammy Sosa’s corked bat.
TOPIC 2: What’s with all the head injuries in sports lately?
Jimmy Greenfield: Due to the miracle of evolution, the skull is turning into a soft pretzel.
Phillip Thompson: I see a scheme to sell an Excedrin sponsorship.
Leo Ebersole: Could you please repeat the question slowly and at a lower volume?
Whizzer: It’s a latent side effect of athletes’ heads becoming too big. T.O.’s due any day now.
Bag Boy: The chance of your head getting hurt decreases if it’s always attached to a pillow.
TOPIC 3: Is there ever a good reason to lift a kicker onto your shoulders?
Jimmy Greenfield: If the kicker is a Rockette.
Phillip Thompson: Depends. How close is the nearest lake?
Leo Ebersole: Not if that kicker is Sebastian Janikowski.
Whizzer: On those rare occasions when a member of the Russian track team has forgotten her fur stole.
Bag Boy: I do it for Robbie Gould whenever he goes grocery shopping.
TOPIC 4: Scavenger hunt: Find an obscure Chicago team and tell us about it.
Jimmy Greenfield: The Lost Briskman. An Oak Park softball team with a really crappy third baseman.
Phillip Thompson: The Rockstars of the ABA, although I’m having trouble verifying that the ABA exists.
Leo Ebersole: I give you the Chicago Machine, because it never hurts to get on a lacrosse player’s good side.
Whizzer: The Machine went 0-12 in Major League Lacrosse, so they’re a legitimate Chicago team.
Bag Boy: The Force women’s football team plays two Detroit teams four times a year. I am in love.
TOPIC 5: When is it OK for an athlete to call himself the best ever?
Jimmy Greenfield: When the athlete wants to invite endless criticism and embarrass himself and his family.
Phillip Thompson: When he just invented the sport.
Leo Ebersole: When 1) it’s televised and 2) the athlete is referring to himself in the third person while doing it.
Whizzer: Was that Roger Federer yapping about himself again? That’s why we call him “Swiss Miss.”
Bag Boy: That just means he’s ripe for me to bring him crashing back to Earth.
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