To jump on the Bears/Bulls/Hawks bandwagon, here’s what you need to know
TOPIC 1: PLACE WHERE YOU’RE MOST LIKELY TO RUN INTO A PLAYER AWAY FROM THE GAME
BEARS: FBI shooting range
BULLS: Deerfield toll plaza
BLACKHAWKS: Dentist office
TOPIC 2: VAGUELY SEXUAL TERM TO INCORPORATE INTO YOUR FAVORITE PICKUP LINE AT SPORTS BAR
BEARS: “Backfield in motion,” as in . . . c’mon, you figure it out.
BULLS: “Pick and roll,” as in, “How about I pick you up and we roll in the hay?”
BLACKHAWKS: “Neutral zone,” as in “My place, your place or the neutral zone?”
TOPIC 3: NICKNAME OF POPULAR PLAYER
BEARS: Nathan “The Interceptor” Vasher
BULLS: Andres “Chapu” Nocioni
BLACKHAWKS: Nikolai “The Bulin Wall” Khabibulin
TOPIC 4: INSTANT HALLOWEEN COSTUME IDEA
BEARS: Brian Urlacher jersey, with blow-up Paris Hilton doll as accessory
BULLS: Ben Wallace wig
BLACKHAWKS: Vintage Tony Esposito-era goalie mask
TOPIC 5: PRESCIENT WISECRACK FOR COCKTAIL PARTY CONVERSATION
BEARS: “If I were one of the 1972 Miami Dolphins, I’d be a little nervous right now. Of course, I’d also be about 65 years old.”
BULLS: “If I were a sculptor, I’d find me a big piece of marble and get to work on a Thabo Sefolosha statue ASAP.”
BLACKHAWKS: “If only Bill Wirtz were still alive to see this. Oh, wait a minute . . . “
TOPIC 6: HOW TO PASS FOR AN OLD-SCHOOL FAN
BEARS: Memorize the words to 1985’s “Super Bowl Shuffle.”
BULLS: Greatest Bulls dunker pre-MJ? “Orlando Woolridge.”
BLACKHAWKS: You once saw a Hawks game and bought SRO.
TOPIC 7: INSIDERS CATCHPHRASE TO USE AT THE OFFICE
BEARS: If “all the pieces are in place,” your project management team is still missing some pieces.
BULLS: When a co-worker chooses poorly on an obvious decision, they went “Sam Bowie” on that one.
BLACKHAWKS: Somebody take your lunch from the fridge? It’s clearly time to “drop the gloves.”
TOPIC 8: FAN FASHION SENSE
BEARS: Bears jerseys are blue, not orange.
BULLS: Bulls jerseys do not need pin stripes.
BLACKHAWKS: Hawks jerseys with stitched-up holes and fighting straps rock.
TOPIC 9: UNACCEPTABLE NAMES FOR YOUR FIRSTBORN
BEARS: Brett
BULLS: Isiah
BLACKHAWKS: Yzerman
TOPIC 10: ACCEPTABLE NAMES FOR YOUR NEXT PET
BEARS: Butkus
BULLS: Kukoc
Mikita
TOPIC 11: AS A NEW FAN OF THIS WINNING TEAM, YOU MAY LOOK DOWN YOUR NOSES AT . . .
BEARS: Cubs fans
BULLS: Cubs fans
BLACKHAWKS: Cubs fans
