If your man were more skilled at cheating, would you figure it out?
Experts say all cheaters do the same things. If you know these things, you can easily spot the warning signs, save your relationship or decide to leave him before he breaks your heart.
Elizabeth Landers, co-author of “The Script: The 100% Absolutely Predictable Things Men Do When They Cheat,” said most women recognize lipstick on his collar, excessive cell phone calls or disappearing acts as signs of cheating. But fewer women are aware that his saying you don’t understand him, his life isn’t the way he planned it or he misses his freedom may be the earliest signs.
“It virtually starts with the man saying you need a psychiatrist, you’re depressed,” Landers said.
Initially, Landers said, he’ll start to say other things like:
– I’ve grown, and you haven’t.
– I’m someone different, and you’re the same.
– You don’t do the stuff I want you to do.
– The house is a mess.
– You don’t dress right; you need to go to the gym.
“All of these are signs that you are the problem,” Landers said. “He’s saying to you, ‘I’m fine, better than fine. I’m very spiritual and growing.’ “
If you begin to suspect your husband or boyfriend is cheating, and you can’t afford a private investigator, Bonnie Kaye, a relationship counselor and author of “Man Readers: A Woman’s Guide to Dysfunctional Men,” said you may have to become a detective to get your evidence. Remember: Avoid tipping him off until you’ve had a chance to check him out, she said.
But if a man really wants to cheat, there’s nothing a woman can do to stop him, said Shawn Nelson, a self-proclaimed professional cheater who claims he was unfaithful to dozens of women for 15 years and never got caught.
“The signs work when you’re dealing with a man who is inexperienced at cheating,” said Nelson, a Bronx, N.Y.-based author of the self-published book, “Why Men Cheat.” It’s available at whymencheat.mrgoodman.com.
“A professional cheater will let you check his cell phone, read his e-mails and read over his shoulder while he’s on the computer,” Nelson said. “Why? Because he knows never bring anything home.”
Kaye insists most men are unsophisticated cheaters.
“The good thing is 90 percent of all men are not experts,” she said. “They are not good at it. That’s how women find out.”
Men who are experienced at cheating will build it into the relationship, Nelson said. He’ll use his organizations, friends and work as covers. Nelson said a professional cheater’s women are so accustomed to his bad habits, they won’t notice any difference when he’s working late or having a fraternity meeting but is really with another woman.
The best defense, he said, is a good offense.
When dating, Nelson recommends that women be slow in opening up about their past, never allowing a man to visit your home within the first three to six months of meeting him, and avoiding sexual contact for six months to a year.
“Make him work for it,” Nelson said. “A cheater is looking for easy access. We hate to work for it. If we have to work for it, we will find someone else who is easier.”
Bonnie Kaye’s surefire ways to catch a cheater
– Count the condoms.
– Track the mileage on his car.
– Check his wallet.
– Look for matchbooks and telephone numbers.
– Scan credit card statements for movies for two, hotels, restaurants and car rentals.
– Read ATM receipts for times, dates and locations.
– Look through his cell phone for missed, outgoing and incoming calls while he’s sleeping or in the shower. [THE DETROIT NEWS].
