Dear Amy: In your column, you’ve covered the current controversy over offering unhealthy snacks to kids in school and after sports events.
My wife, “Andie” (an elementary school teacher), told me that schools in our state will limit teachers from using food as a reward starting next year. She believes this is a step in the right direction.
At the same time, Andie feels terrible if anyone comes to our house and we don’t offer snacks, appetizers, meals and desserts to them.
I am a compulsive eater (currently in treatment). Before we were together, I never used to buy more than one serving of food at a time. I never had leftovers in the house.
I have begged my wife to work with me to minimize the amount of leftover food we have. Unfortunately, she thinks it is socially necessary to have enough food for every invited guest to eat as though they haven’t eaten in 12 hours.
My wife rarely eats leftovers because she finds them gross, yet she gets upset if I ask to throw away anything after a meal. When we have guests, we tend to have lots of leftovers (especially desserts).
If a friend had an alcohol problem, nobody would encourage him to pour cocktails for the gang at happy hour.
How can a guy with a well-known eating problem entertain guests without feeding them? How can a woman devoted to social endeavors accommodate a husband who endangers his health and their marriage when he engages in one of life’s most social activities?
— No Puedo Mas
Dear No Puedo Mas: If you are a compulsive eater and in treatment, I hope you are mastering techniques to control your eating in social situations — whether you’re at home or out.
Now it’s time for your wife to become a partner in your recovery. Unlike an alcoholic, who can avoid alcohol completely and still survive, we all need to eat to live. Compulsive eaters have to face the focus of their compulsion every day.
Your wife is undermining your health when she prepares too much food, then refuses to dispose of the leftovers. It is easy to entertain guests without overfeeding them and endangering you in the process. It is also easy to send leftovers home with interested guests.
If you have begged your wife to join in your treatment process and she refuses to, then you may have to make a very tough choice between your relationship and your health.
Dear Amy: I feel compelled to respond to a letter from “Birth Mom/Adoptive Mom.” I am a birth mother who gave up a child for adoption 26 years ago. I always vowed that I would not search for the child for fear of disrupting his life, but I am open to meeting him if he looks for me.
For many years, it was a big, dark secret in my family and among everyone I knew. My mother told me about how ashamed she was of me for giving up this child. I was accused of thinking that a child was a puppy or kitten that could be “given away.” I truly believed that what I did was best for that baby — and I still believe it.
Amy, your readers need to know that adoption is not “an easy out.” It broke my heart to hand that baby boy over, and there isn’t one day when I don’t wonder if he has had a good life.
People who have never experienced the struggles of making this decision really need to keep their opinions to themselves.
— Been There, Done That
Dear Been There: Thank you for telling your story. There are a number of online support groups for birth mothers such as yourself. I believe that you would benefit from the support of other women who have made the difficult choice to place a baby for adoption.
I won’t recommend a specific site, but if you did an Internet search using the phrase “birth mother,” you could read stories similar to yours and perhaps benefit from being in touch with other women.
Dear Amy: I’d like to recommend something to “Political,” the 8th grader who believes that no one cares about the problems in the world.
“Political” should contact Roots & Shoots, Jane Goodall’s environmental and humanitarian club for students. If there isn’t a chapter in this young person’s area, then he or she can start one.
It’s a fun and meaningful way to connect with other students who are trying to make the world a better place.
— Gloria
Dear Gloria: I agree that Roots & Shoots (www.rootsandshoots.org) is a wonderful organization. Jane Goodall’s life and work are an inspiration; I hope that more young people choose to get involved in this or similar groups — or start an organization of their own.
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Ask Amy appears Mondays through Fridays in Tempo, Saturdays in the Weekend section and Sundays in Q. Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611. Previous columns are available at chicagotribune.com/amy.
