TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: Pick an athlete least likely to run for political office. Now write their campaign slogan.
Jimmy Greenfield: Mike Tyson. “Elect me, and I promise to cut taxes and eat your children.”
Phillip Thompson: Cubs catcher Michael Barrett. “Punch my ballot Tuesday … or I’ll punch your ticket on Wednesday.”
Leo Ebersole: Randy Moss: He promises to run hard unless it looks like he’s not going to win.
Whizzer: “When it comes to crime, we’ll be on the front line.” This message approved by the Indiana Pacers.
Bag Boy: Brian Urlacher. “Brian hungry!”
TOPIC 2: Why were the World Series ratings so low?
Jimmy Greenfield: It was up against the premiere of “Everybody Loves Screech.”
Phillip Thompson: You have The Smudge, and you don’t call in a “CSI” unit? David Caruso’s shaking his head.
Leo Ebersole: The scintillating blend of rainouts and Midwest baseball proved to be too much excitement.
Whizzer: Network executives were using them for the limbo line.
Bag Boy: It would be healthier to stare at an eclipse than to watch Detroit-St. Louis.
TOPIC 3: At the moment, Kerry Wood is no longer a Cub. Your thoughts?
Jimmy Greenfield: What’s amazing is nobody cares.
Phillip Thompson: I’m truly hurt by this, so I guess I’ll be seeing him down to Peoria.
Leo Ebersole: Wait, a high-priced, injury-prone starting pitcher’s on the market? Where do the Yankees sign up?
Whizzer: You may leave town, Kerry, but your heart will always be on the disabled list.
Bag Boy: Free agency says you can stop being a Cub. Fate says otherwise.
TOPIC 4: Apologize to an athlete you’ve heckled.
Jimmy Greenfield: Terrell Owens, I’m sorry I didn’t yell louder.
Phillip Thompson: David Beckham, I’m sorry about insulting your coat hanger, Victoria Beckham.
Leo Ebersole: Bears’ offense: I apologize for ever doubting you. Please take me with you to the Pro Bowl.
Whizzer: I’m so, so sorry about the weight jokes, please don’t eat me, Bobby Jenks.
Bag Boy: Cedric Benson. This “my bad” goes for all the heckling I’m about to do.
TOPIC 5: Suggest an appropriate Halloween costume for a 5 on 5 panel member.
Jimmy Greenfield: Leo should wear a red bra. He’ll be a Washington Redskins bust.
Phillip Thompson: Jimmy hasn’t shaved in about a month, so he can go as Wooly Willy.
Leo Ebersole: Phil goes as the stylish LeBron; Jimmy goes as old-man LeBron.
Whizzer: Bag Boy … remove the bag! But not the shirt. Never the shirt.
Bag Boy: If Phil would just pack on 150 pounds, Hollywood could make another “Nutty Professor” sequel.
———-
Visit us at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive to join the crew
