Ugh. Let me get through one day without mentioning that name. You know, the one people in this town can’t stop talking about, and I don’t mean Vince Vaughn.
By the way, you blew it big time, pal. Jennifer Anistons don’t grow on trees. If they did, I’d have a grove of them in Oswego ready for mail-order shipping. But I digress.
No, I’m talking about a certain Bear–who shall remain nameless–that will have to prove himself to the world against this bloody awful Rams team on Monday night. If the Bears and that guy bomb the Rams out of St. Louie, does that mean they’re ready for the playoffs?
Exactly.
So just sit back and enjoy these bloody awful picks.
MATCHUP, THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW, THE LINE, FINAL SHAKE
BEARS at St. Louis
7:30 p.m., ESPN
The Rams’ Steven Jackson says he’s one of the NFL’s elite RBs. I don’t want to say he’s soft, but three out of four people picked him over Charmin in a blind test. If anyone should do any running Monday, it should be Thomas Jones and Cedric Benson. The 31st-ranked Rams have given up 100 yards to a RB in six straight games, including Edgerrin James’ only century mark of the season!
Bears by 6
Bears
Indianapolis at Jacksonville
noon, CBS
For the Jaguars, who lost to the Colts in September, this game is a must-win. As opposed to Musk Wind, the cologne you’re getting for Christmas.
Colts by 1 1/2
Colts
N.Y. Giants atCarolina, noon, FOX
Speaking of must-wins, the loser of this game might as well make early vacation plans. Don’t look now, Carolina’s Chris Weinke makes his first start since ’01. Winky, winky!
Off
Panthers
Atlanta at Tampa Bay, noon.
Falcons kicker Morten Andersen needs seven points to become the NFL’s all-time leading scorer. And he’s on the same team with Ron Mexico, folks.
Falcons by 3
Falcons
Baltimore at Kansas City, noon
Tony Gonzalez is one TD behind Shannon Sharpe’s all-time total for tight ends (62).You try saying “behind” and “tight end” without giggling.
Chiefs by 3
Chiefs
Minnesota at Detroit, noon
The opening line on this one was even money, as in “even money wouldn’t stoop to wagering on this stinker.”
Lions by 11/2
Vikings
New England at Miami, noon
The Patriots can clinch the AFC East with a win and a Jets loss. What does Miami get? Just the Super Bowl.
Patriots by 3 1/2
Patriots
Oakland at Cincinnati, noon
The Raiders have one of the worst passing games (31st), yet they’re No. 1 against the pass. Just like you gaining weight even though you work out. Riiight.
Bengals by 11
Raiders
Philadelphia at Washington, noon
The Eagles are tied with three other teams for two NFC wild-card bids, so this should be a thriller. Shyeah.
Eagles by 1 1/2
Eagles
Tennessee at Houston, noon
Now here are two feisty young teams. What happens when Underdog meets Scrappy Doo? An anvil’s falling on someone’s head.
Texans by 1
Titans
Green Bay at San Francisco, 3:05 p.m.
Lambeau Field’s “frozen tundra” will have synthetic fibers stitched into a new natural grass surface next season. Um, I know I’m inChicago but . . . blasphemy!
49ers by 4 1/2
49ers
Seattle at Arizona, 3:05 p.m.
Shaun Alexander is getting better just as the Seahawks are ready to clinch the West.But K Josh Brown’s the man in Seattle. He has 4 game-winners.
Seahawks by 3
Seahawks
Denver atSan Diego, 3:15, CBS
Look away, Bears fans. (The Chargers have the best red-zone offense in NFL,70.2 percent.)
Chargers by 7 1/2
Chargers
Buffalo at N.Y. Jets, 3:15 p.m.
Willis McGahee has four straight 100-yard rushing games against Jets. Willis Drummond’s (left) still looking for his first carry.
Jets by 4
Jets
New Orleans atDallas, 7:15 p.m., NBC
Saw the other day that Eastern Illinois is selling Tony Romo’s college jersey.
When is that EVER going to happen again. I smell a Saints upset by the way. Cowboys by 7
Saints
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redeyesports@tribune.com
