Our little feller is growing up so fast. No, not Leo. We’re talking about Stick Figure, who has a new Web column at redeyechicago.com/gofigure
TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: WHAT’S THE REAL REASON THE NFL MOVED THE BEARS’ GAME TIME?
Jimmy Greenfield: To keep Tank Johnson out of the bars.
Phillip Thompson: They want to avoid clogging up New Year’s Eve traffic with Packers fans traveling by cow.
Leo Ebersole: It’s part of a secret plan to consolidate the nation’s drunks.
Whizzer: Judging by that face, they want Rex to work as the Baby New Year. WHOOSHA BIG BOY?!
Stick Figure: I haven’t found a date for New Year’s Eve, but I think the wall is winking at me.
TOPIC 2: CONVINCE BRETT FAVRE TO RETIRE AFTER THIS GAME.
Jimmy Greenfield: After years of embarrassing the Bears, I’d rather he play and embarrass himself. Sorry.
Phillip Thompson: You’re this close to a seat next to Michael Irvin and his technicolor suits. Don’t lose the dream.
Leo Ebersole: Ahem. … Eighty-four interceptions in the last four years? Are you KIDDING ME?
Whizzer: Aged cheese crumbles under pressure.
Stick Figure: I think I like you too, wall, but aren’t we moving kind of fast?
TOPIC 3: WHAT WILL TERRELL OWENS COMPLAIN ABOUT NEXT?
Jimmy Greenfield: Would you believe Terrell Owens? Of course not.
Phillip Thompson: If the Cowboys cared about him dropping the ball, they would’ve transplanted new hands.
Leo Ebersole: Not winning female athlete of the year.
Whizzer: He prefers to be gagged with only the finest silks.
Stick Figure: I will call you Wally. What will you call me?
TOPIC 4: WHAT’S A NEGATIVE SIDE EFFECT OF THE MIAMI HEAT COMING TO CHICAGO?
Jimmy Greenfield: Kenny Williams will try to trade them for prospects.
Phillip Thompson: Godzilla reenactment ensues when Shaq mistakes the “L” for a belated Christmas gift.
Leo Ebersole: Bulls fans may experience fever, cramps and shortness of breath at the sight of Dwyane Wade.
Whizzer: Excess grease from Pat Riley’s hair finds its way into our deep-dish pizzas.
Stick Figure: Wally, you haven’t had two words to say to me lately. You don’t know how to be supportive.
TOPIC 5: WHO IS YOUR FEMALE ATHLETE OF THE YEAR?
Jimmy Greenfield: C’mon, ladyfolk and sports’ll never mix. They’s too busy cookin’ ‘n’ birthin’.
Phillip Thompson: Clay Aiken. I’m hedging my bets until someone makes the call.
Leo Ebersole: Check back in a few days. The gender test results should be back from the lab by then.
Whizzer: Salma Hayek. I have my own guidelines.
Stick Figure: It’s over, Wally. I feel like there’s a wall between us.
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redeyechicago.com/gofigure
