Happy new year, clowns! See, already we’re starting off on the wrong foot. We need YOU to help get us on track in ’07.
TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: IT’S THE NEW YEAR. WHAT WAS YOUR SPORTS HANGOVER?
Phillip Thompson: All I remember from Jimmy’s party is booze, hookers and Lovie Smith dressed as the baby new year.
Leo Ebersole: Tiki Barber running over the Redskins. Really their whole season. Another mimosa, please.
Evil Super Computer: Bah, 2007. I would send us all back to 1807, but then I wouldn’t exist.
Bag Boy:You think you’re going to trick me into saying Brett Favre. ARGGH!! Bartender!
Bag Girl: You’re looking at him. What a lightweight.
TOPIC 2: COME UP WITH A NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION FOR A CHICAGO ATHLETE.
Phillip Thompson: Kerry Wood, when someone says don’t get bent out of shape, take that literally.
Leo Ebersole: Rex Grossman resolves to throw left-handed. That way, he’ll have an excuse.
Evil Super Computer: Kirk Hinrich. Grunge is over, son, and Supercuts is right around the corner.
Bag Boy: Rex Grossman, resolve to be less like Rex Grossman.
BAG GIRL: Brian Urlacher, I’m available.
TOPIC 3: WRITE A POEM COMMEMORATING BOB KNIGHT’S 880TH WIN.
Phillip Thompson: “Battlin’ Bob just made history/but left countless players blistery.”
Leo Ebersole: “Coach Knight can now revel in a little praise/So no strangulations for at least three days.”
Evil Super Computer: “Did you ever know that you’re my hero? You are the evil beneath my wings.”
Bag Boy: “Always knew you’d make 880/You’re the coach they love to hate-y.”
Bag Girl: “Don’t be shy, don’t be coy, come and ‘motivate’ Bag Boy.”
TOPIC 4: HOW MUCH TROUBLE ARE THE BEARS IN?
Phillip Thompson: They’ll be fine as long as none of the teams they face has an offense or defense.
Leo Ebersole: They’re in with three teams from the NFC Least. No worries.
Evil Super Computer: I’ll put it this way: Even I would cut ’em a break.
Bag Boy: Why is this happening? Why is this happening? Why is this happening?
Bag Girl: Not nearly as much as the person who made us miss a party to go to the Bears game.
TOPIC 5: WHAT DO YOU THINK WERE DENNIS GREEN’S WORDS AFTER GETTING FIRED?
Phillip Thompson: “I’m OUT like I THOUGHT I was!”
Leo Ebersole: “Was it the tirades? The mustache? I can change! I can chaaaaaange!”
Evil Super Computer: “I’LL HAVE MY REVENGE!” Dennis, call me.
Bag Boy: “The nickel-dime Cards fans … ripping every (censored) thing ya do!”
Bag Girl: “If you want to crown my (bleep), then crown me!”
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