It’s Monday. The Bears have a playoff opponent, and all is well. Loyal, die-hard fans, you may commence panicking. FYI, drop Stick Figure a “hello” at redeyechicago.com/gofigure.
TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: DID YOU GET THE OPPONENT YOU WANTED FOR THE BEARS?
Jimmy Greenfield: I was kind of hoping it would be the Blackhawks.
Phillip Thompson: I sooo wanted the Dallas
Cowboys, and now you know why.
Leo Ebersole: Yes, but hopefully Seattle will have the decency to bring their own bird flu masks.
Brian Moore: Unless it’s the Super Bowl already, then no.
Bag Boy: Way we’ve been playing, I was hoping for another bye. But I’ll take Seattle.
TOPIC 2: OFFER SOME CONDOLENCES TO THE COWBOYS’ TONY ROMO.
Jimmy Greenfield: Women love men with soft hands who cry.
Phillip Thompson: I’ve always called you Cryboys, but I never thought we’d actually see it. You’re the best, Tony.
Leo Ebersole: Carrie Underwood will probably dump you, but you’ll still have Paula Abdul and Jimmy.
Brian Moore: It’s OK to cry over your mistakes. In public? Still OK. On national TV? Well, that’s just pathetic.
Bag Boy: There’s no crying in football–ever. P.S. I don’t do condolences.
TOPIC 3: WARN RON RIVERA ABOUT ONE OF THE NFL TEAMS PURSUING HIM.
Jimmy Greenfield: The Cardinals have won one playoff game since 1947. That’s like 20 years ago!
Phillip Thompson: If you choose Pittsburgh, you might want to shine a blacklight on those Terrible Towels.
Leo Ebersole: Do you really want your legacy to include the words “Arizona Cardinals”? Think hard about that.
Brian Moore: They aren’t the Bears.
Enough said.
Bag Boy: Yeah, Miami might be sexier, but she doesn’t love you like I do.
TOPIC 4: LAST CALL: FLORIDA OR OHIO STATE, AND WHY?
Jimmy Greenfield: It’s last call? Screw Florida or Ohio State, give me one more shot of bourbon.
Phillip Thompson: Flohio State, because I have a good feeling about them and them.
Leo Ebersole: Florida, because alligators scare me. … Weird. Did I just channel Stick Figure?
Brian Moore: Florida. Any school that has a “The” before its name is too cocky. Right, The Ohio State University?
Bag Boy: I live in Big Ten country, pal, so Florida all the way.
TOPIC 5: HOW COCKY IS WIZARDS STAR GILBERT ARENAS?
Jimmy Greenfield: Put it this way: He reminds me of John Holmes.
Phillip Thompson: At Gilbert’s recent celebrity birthday bash, P. Diddy said, “This is all a bit much.”
Leo Ebersole: He’ll be changing his legal name to “Hibachi” some time around the All-Star game.
Brian Moore: He’s so cocky, he calls himself The Gilbert Arenas.
Bag Boy: Who doesn’t say “Hibachi!” now and then? You know how pros love their Japanese grills.
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